Description: The episode opens with a young Archer painting a model starship while talking to his old man about warp technology. The pilot of the tiny craft looks a lot like a Rogue Squadron pilot sans helmet; when you make toys, I guess sometimes you've got to salvage parts. Anyway, Archer sets up some exposition about how the Vulcans are being real slow in their passing of information to humans about warp technology, to later set up the animosity Archer will have for Vulcans. He uses a racial slur because it's all right for humans to use racial slurs against aliens, I guess.

Cut to "present day," which shows a field of corn identified as Broken Bow, the reason for the title of the episode (if you don't know, it's an old writing trick that, if you can't think of a good title, you just make something up that sounds good and find a way to have it make sense). Of course, thanks to this I've had Rod Stewart's "Broken Arrow" stuck in my head all episode, but frankly I can't imagine it making the situation any worse. We zoom in to see the wreckage of a Klingon spaceship, a wounded Klingon running away and pursued by two funny-looking aliens called the Suliban. We later learn that the Suliban have been physically augmented to further their own evolution, which from all appearances involved crossing a member of Blue Man Group with a Chia Pet. The Klingon decides to hide inside a methane silo, which he does by LOCKING IT FROM THE INSIDE! A lock on the outside maybe to keep people from messing around in there, but on the inside? Seriously, what possible logical reason would this be there for, except for situations where you just happened to be running away from your crashed ship while being persued by a group of silent avant-garde musicians?

Oh, and it turns out that it wasn't even helpful in this situation anyway, because they have very flexible bodies. Very, very flexible, and not like in the hot erotic fantasy kind of the way, but in the Daffy Duck kind of way. The Suliban literally flattens himself and wriggles under the door so that he can let them in. Remember this was years before the Fantastic Four movie came out, and the creative staff had already managed to develop the suck technology that would be used in that film for Mr. Fantastic. The Suliban rush inside, only to have the Klingon burst out from a second story doorway and leap away, then whirling and shooting it with his disruptor. The silo goes up with an explosion worthy of any action movie, and since it's the only remotely cool thing we see in this episode, it wins best moment. Unfortunately, all this has attracted the attention of the farmer, Stephen King. He comes out with some kind of gun and points it at the Klingon, but there's no universal translator, so the Klingon sounds like a barking dog when he talks. Stephen King, not one to take chances after being hit by a truck, shoots the Klingon.

This leads us into the opening credits. I guess now's as good a time to address this as any. Regarding the use of this adaption of Rod Stewart (two Rod Stewart connections already? Freaky) rather than classical music like the other series, well, I've really got no problem with it. Don't misconstrue what I'm about to say, because I enjoy classical music immensely, but Trek seems to have forgotten that other types of music exist (for humans, anyway). If it's not classic or the occasional bit of jazz, it doesn't exist. So the choice up front to stretch beyond that in the opening credits sets a good precedent. However, the lack of "Star Trek" in the title of the series is a no-no. As I cover in "Spider-man versus Enterprise," this was a failed attempt to try to draw in outside viewers who weren't Star Trek fans by making it seem like a more adult version of the program. It's not, of course; sexual innuendo doesn't make something adult, adult-level concepts and dilemmas do that, which is why this failed miserably. I wish someone would have realized that sooner, because the hatred directed towards Enterprise wasn't because of the concept, but the execution. It continued the same things that made Voyager the joke that it was. But putting all that aside, the title sequence is excellent.

We return from the credits and Archer and Tucker are scooting around in what looks like the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon. I'm not trying to harp on this kind of thing, but we often get nimrods on the newsgroup that claim Star Wars rips off Trek, and this is two very close visual images in the span of the first five minutes of this series. I've got no problem with it, really, but it should further emphasize to those dweebs that in science fiction, similarities are going to crop up. Anyway, Archer and Trip talk about the new Enterprise NX-01 as they go flying by for a close-up. Archer, as you no doubt know, is played by Scott Bakula. I am going to make a promise right now: I will do my best to refrain from Quantum Leap jokes for the duration of this series. I know I won't succeed, but I will make a conscious effort to try not to take the easy way out. I mean really; Scott Bakula, time travel, it's too obvious.

Back at the recently created Starfleet, the Klingon is being treated while the Vulcans explain the situation. They say the Klingons want them to handle matters, but Starfleet is unhappy about that since it happened on Earth soil. Archer shows up and they summarize everything we've already seen... in case someone had to take a leak, I guess. The Vulcans also reveal that the Klingon's name is Klaang (yes, that's right, as in the sound made when you bang pots together) and that he was a messenger. They use this as an excuse to seize control of the Klingon situation and postpone Archer's launching of Enterprise.

Archer puts two and two together though, and realizes that Klaang may pull through, but that the Vulcans' plan to disconnect him from life support and kill him. They explain about the Klingon culture and that he would be disgraced not to die, which results in indignation from Archer... and it's frankly hard to blame him. It's pretty damn racist to say that because he's a Klingon he must not want to live. Archer takes it up with the admiral, who wants to defer to the Vulcans in the matter, leading to Archer growing upset that that's how they always play it. This prompts T'Pol to comment that humans have not yet proven they're ready to look beyond their attitudes and nature, and until then must defer to the Vulcans. Since Archer is obviously outraged, this diplomatic speak is clearly exactly the kind of thing that will calm him down and bring him over to the Vulcan point of view on things. Oh no, wait, this would in fact do the exact opposite of that. I'll save my T'Pol comments until later in the review, but let's just say that our initial introduction to the character really sets the stage for how she plays out. But at least we get to meet her breasts, that's a nice moment for the series, since they'll be playing such an important role.

Archer suggests that instead of killing Klaang and letting the Vulcans handle it, that Enterprise bring him back alive. He can be ready to go in three days, he promises, and the admiral agrees that mankind will handle this one, since obviously we're off to such a great start by shooting him five minutes after he lands. The lead ambassador, Soval, reacts with outrage, prompting Archer to comment on this un-Vulcan-like behavior. If I hadn't been hardened by seven years of Voyager I'd be tempted to call this a subtle way of throwing the entire stereotyping of the Klingons back in the Vulcan's face. Of course, I have been so hardened, so I'll call this what it far more likely is: a ham-fisted attempt to make the humans look better by making the Vulcans look worse. Incidentally, Soval is played by Alien Nation's Gary Graham, who delivers a solid performance, though his attempt to balance the un-Vulcan-like response with Vulcan behavior makes him sound a little clipped, like the butler in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade ("Ant we have meh-ny tap-ah-strees").

We cut to Mayweather and Reed, both on board the Enterprise trying to get things ready. They talk with distaste about the idea of having to actually use the transporter on living people, and again, hard to blame them. Going from inorganic equipment to people is a bit of a leap in testing, don't you think? Didn't you people ever see The Fly? Reed's having trouble getting the orders filled properly to ready the ship for launch, because they keep beaming the wrong shit up. What the hell's the matter with Starfleet; they've got one damn ship to prep and they can't stop screwing it up? Seriously, no wonder the Vulcans have so little faith in humans, they can't fill a frickin' work order without messing it up.

Reed grouses to Mayweather that he isn't sure they can make the three-day deadline. Lord knows it won't be easy; the chief engineer, Tucker, is so skilled he flies their pod right into the hull of Enterprise while it's still in drydock. Yeah, let's put our safety in his hands (And I hate to stereotype, but it doesn't help that every time we hear that local color accent spill out of his mouth, I can't help but hear banjo music playing in the background.). Mayweather, meanwhile, is doing one of his many "I've been in space before" routines, much like anyone you've met who's ever been to a foreign country has to constantly drop it into their conversations for three months.

Along with meeting the odd members of the crew, we see that Archer needs a linguistics officer, but Hoshi, the one he wants, is busy teaching at a matte painting in Brazil. Apparently she specializes in imitating a howler monkey with its nuts in a vise. Archer convinces her she's the one for the job by playing some Klingon voices on his cell phone, but the real ode to joy is that one of the Vulcans is going to be joining them on the mission, and it's the one who doesn't like Archer! Oh you kooky Trek writers, what will you think of next!

Before launching the ship, there's a little ceremony in which they play a recording of Zephram Cochrane, the dude from First Contact that loves naked women (actually, "First Contact" would be a kick ass title for a sci-fi porn video... and if we had the right kind of flexibility for a change...). They got James Cromwell to come back and while it's good to see an actor of his caliber, the use of the "strange new worlds" speech feels wrong, forced. Ah well, James Cromwell, it's all good. The Enterprise leaves dry dock and we're under way...

Meanwhile we cut to a blurry holographic scene where the Suliban acts like Max Headroom, and if you get that reference then God bless you. The Suliban asks if the blur can undo the death of his friend who was killed by Klaang, but the hologram refuses on the grounds that his friend was an idiot. He tells the Suliban to take care of the evidence, then disappears. Ominous!

It's time to meet the last member of the crew, one Dr. Phlox, an alien with the creepiest smile in the universe who is here as part of the Interspecies Medical Exchange program of the Vulcans. Phlox is okay here, pleasantly optimistic and not annoying. I imagine he was what Neelix was intended to be and utterly failed at.

Oh man, speaking of Neelix, it's time to introduce his category, or close to it. In the Opinionated Voyager Episode Guide, each episode features the Stupid Neelix Moment. Since there's no Neelix here in Enterprise, and no real counterpart to him, there is instead the Annoying Character, awarded to whoever succeeded in being the most, well, annoying (this ain't rocket science). This one goes to Mayweather, though he barely steals it away from T'Pol. This scene is just one of those reasons... he's got to - constantly - remind - you - he's - been - in - space. At the moment, he's upside-down in one of the rooms using the "sweet spot" in the gravity field, trapping Tucker on the ceiling so he has nowhere to run to escape his stories and ruminations. Just what the hell is the point of sitting on the ceiling anyway if gravity pulls you in that direction? How is it any different from sitting on the floor? The answer of course is that it isn't any different, except that it gives him another excuse to say "Did I mention I've been in space?"

Now we come to the scene I've frequently mentioned when I bring up T'Pol, the dinner scene. She, Archer, and Tucker sit down and T'Pol starts eating a breadstick with a knife and fork because they don't touch food with their hands. Okay, fine, cultural difference and all that. And she's a vegetarian. Okay, fine, cultural difference again. Then she says to Tucker and Archer while they're eating steak "You humans claim to be enlightened, yet you still consume the flesh of animals." Now this is some great writing, and by "great," I of course mean, "stupid." The Vulcans were hunky-dory with killing a Klingon without even asking him if he wanted to die because of cultural impressions, but they can't keep their mouths shut when it comes to what people eat? She follows it up by calling humans "impulsive carnivores." Hey, idiot, he just ate a breadstick! Is a breadstick made of meat?! Dumbass. Humans are omnivores, always have been, and those who aren't (vegetarians and vegans) are so by choice. Vulcans are notorious sticklers, which means that T'Pol has severe ADD or is deliberately trying to get a rise out of them. Either way, she comes off less like a Vulcan and more like some pissy New Age flower-haired wide-eyed college doofus with a dress made of hemp. And this is only slightly over halfway through the first episode of the series...

Soon after Klaang wakes up and starts shouting at Hoshi. They have a conversation that goes all right until he begins babbling incoherently about "stinky boots." Actually, that's kind of a surprising thing to learn, that "stinky" is part of the Klingon language. Unless it's a term of endearment, I suppose. Before this conversation can go any further, the ship loses power, and Hoshi freaks. She'd freaked several times on the bridge earlier because that was a lame attempt to provide character. Klaang starts babbling louder and Archer asks Hoshi to shut him up, so she yells "Shut up!" at him. Okay, hackney, but it was still amusing, and I always give credit where it's due... and God only knows how much Enterprise needs it.

It turns out that the problem was that the ship has been invaded by the Suliban. And they stick to the roofs of the halls regardless of whether or not there's a sweet spot, and can change their pigment to appear invisible. Wow, can they do all that? Oh yes, the Suliban can, readers, the Suliban can.

Who can change their pigment?
Have bronchial lobes of five?
Jump from ships in pressure suits and still come out alive?
The Suliban!
Yes the Suliban can!

Who can climb on ceilings?
Have flaky skin that's green?
Move their arms and legs as if they were all named Gumby?
The Suliban!
Yes the Suliban can!

Thank you, please hold your applause.

One of the Suliban is shot, but the rest grab Klaang and vanish in an instant, then the power comes back on. It's just like Bubba Ho-tep, I guess. Archer goes straight to Reed and asks "Where do we stand on weapons?" which is a rather odd way to phrase it. I expected Reed to respond, "I'm for them!" Reed reports on their status and the captain goes around the room giving orders, ignoring T'Pol because he knows that she'd going to tell him he's a failure, just 'cause, you know, he failed miserably. Eventually she gets his attention and tells Archer to return to Earth, and he tells her to kiss his ass. Then T'Pol argues with Tucker and he tells her to kiss his ass. In general, T'Pol is not well-liked, which is the reason I've given the tie over to Mayweather for this one. There's two annoying people here, but one is tolerated.

Dr. Phlox is performing an autopsy on the dead Suliban and reveals that while their DNA is the same, their anatomy has been radically altered. They've got chameleon-like powers, extra bronchial lobes, and compound retinas. Too bad they look like last month's kaiser loaf. Then Phlox tells us that the dead guy has undergone serious genetic engineering. Huh, and all without altering his DNA... now that's a hell of a magic trick. For my next trick I shall invent spontaneous generation...

Hoshi shows up in Engineering with a translation of what Klaang said before the Suliban made off with him like ants lugging off a chicken leg at a picnic. Archer reads off a list of untranslatable words, including Rigel, which T'Pol admits is not only a system, but one that Klaang had visited. She was very reluctant to provide this, though, so everyone tells her to kiss their ass.

As for Klaang, he's drugged and interrogated by Blue Man Group, who learn that on Rigel 10 he met a Suliban named Sarin. Meanwhile the Enterprise crew has set down on Rigel and are stumbling around like tourists. Mayweather and Reed are staring at two dancing women eating butterflies, so it's nice to see that sailors won't change much in the next couple centuries. Tucker is stuck with T'Pol since it's obvious they don't get along. At the moment, Tucker's getting worked up over a woman who keeps pulling this breathing mask off her child, but it turns out she's just weaning the child off of methyl oxide. T'Pol advises: "You should learn to objectify other cultures," which would be more convincing if she hadn't pulled all that shit at dinner, wouldn't it? T'Pol, kiss my ass.

Archer and Hoshi are in another part of the complex, wandering right into a Suliban ambush. The two are unceremoniously captured like a couple of dumbasses and carried off, leading us into part 2...

Rating: 5

Fun Fact: Vulcan females have a heightened sense of smell.

Star Trek, and all related characters are property and trademark of Paramount Pictures.
The views expressed herein are those of the author and do not reflect the views of anyone
connected with Star Trek: Enterprise, or the staff and management of Paramount Pictures.
All original material copyrighted.

previous
next
main page

"His wife has grown ugly?" Sato