OEEG: Civilization

Foreward: Before I begin, I want to comment on what has led up to me writing this review. What has led up to it is... procrastination. Doing this episode has been on my to-do list for about three weeks, and I still haven't done it. I've almost done it about four times already, but I just haven't started. It's not that I'm feeling lazy, because I've been working on all kinds of stuff for the website during this time to try to stay ahead so I don't miss any updates. It's that the series is just so goddamn boring!

I'm not even talking about the review here. Just watching the episode is something I think about the same way I think about that census paperwork the government sent me: I've got to get to it sooner or later, but it's going to be long and tedious and I just don't want that right now. And that's the thing that disappoints me. You obviously can't know as much about the Trek universe as I do unless you actually like it - hate just isn't enough to motivate to do this. In fact, that's the point I often get asked: why do this if you hate Trek so much? I don't, I hate bad stories, and Enterprise and Voyager are full of bad stories they've done in a universe I like. But when you have just one bad story after another, if each leads into another collection of hack writing and idiot concepts, then it just sucks the life out of you. And that's what disappoints me: I like Star Trek - when did just watching it stop being fun and turn into a f*cking job?!

And this, by the way, is only the eighth episode! Even if you wanted to count Broken Bow twice, that still means we haven't even hit double digits yet! How can you hit rock bottom that quickly?!

Description: So we begin, and already I'm regretting the choice to do so rather than just close up shop. Archer comes in for the briefing on what they might go off and explore: a supernova remnant and a very unusual cluster of three neutron stars. Archer shows barely restrained disappointment bordering on resentment that the universe is saddling him with such boring things to study. An unusual collection of burned out stars, and Archer doesn't care... yet he was giggling like a schoolgirl last week over a goddamn comet. I guess we're on the depressive side of his disorder.

So, Tucker finally adds on as the Big Surprise that they've found a world with a civilization on it, making it the first inhabited planet Enterprise has found. This naturally perks Archer right up, as now he can go there and do a great job with them like he did with the colonists on Terra Nova. In fact, these people aren't much better off; granted they don't have machine guns and more bullets than the entire population of Montana, but they have boats, which is good. Incidentally, just looking at this I see why the title was chosen for this episode, as we watch the city with the boats there, it looks like a Sid Meier video game, which is apparently the way Archer sees it, because he plans on going down there. These people are pre-industrial, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't just drop in and start poking around, right?

As you might expect, T'Pol objects, and we get into an argument between Tucker and her about this. It's standard procedure to wait until a civilization has achieved warp before making contact, T'Pol says. Tucker quickly throws it in her face that those are Vulcan protocols, not human ones. And the human protocols say... nothing! Because this collection of dipshits was sent out here without the slightest idea what they're supposed to be doing beyond "exploring." Well, "exploring" is pretty damn vague, Cooter - you people have no idea what you're doing, because you didn't even know how to deal with an alien bug! You didn't know how to properly spend the night in a tent! Can't you people learn anything?! Just because you hate the Vulcans doesn't mean every idea they had is bad!

So, Archer decides now's the time for another patented crazy speech: "Starfleet could've sent a probe out here to make maps and take pictures, but they didn't. They sent us." First, yes, they did send you to make maps and take pictures... and right now, you're not doing that, are you? Or have you already forgotten all about those rare astronomical phenomenon you passed over? I look forward to you sending that report back to Starfleet: "We know you're all curious about the galactic forces that could have caused this interesting cluster or the long-term effects of a stellar detonation, but look at this: a picture of a boat! That's me, wearing the helmet with the horns on it dumping the mug of beer on Mayweather's head, we had a fun time and Tucker managed to sleep with an alien without getting knocked up for once, so a good time was had by all. Here's a picture of Hoshi making friends with a juggler. Oh, here's a blurred picture of the neutron stars I took as we blazed past, and- Oh, that's me taking second place in the Happy Fair Talent Competition for my rendition of Mr. Sandman. Reed won first with his passionate version of the classic song F*ck the Police!. Oh, here's a picture of T'Pol breaking us out of jail, and another blurry shot of the neutron stars..."

Second (and I realize after all that digression you probably don't even remember what the point was, sorry), Archer only raises a good point: why didn't Starfleet send a probe up here to make maps and take pictures and study all the shit you're far too busy to notice? Wouldn't that actually have told you there was a planet to go check out, so you wouldn't have wasted all that time wandering around finding nothing like you complained about early on? Folks, please, write your congressmen and ask for more money for our space program, because the budget cuts are unreal. We can't afford probes, we can just afford one ship under the command of a crazy man to wander about in the hopes he'll find something we can actually use.

Admiral 1: What do we have this week?
Admiral 2: Four hundred pictures of a comet.
Admiral 1: How many of his dog?
Admiral 2: Eight.
Admiral 1: And how many of his ass?
Admiral 2: Two.
Admiral 1: And how many of that squirrel with the giant photoshopped testicles?
Admiral 2: Just one, fortunately, and he's shouting "It's a trap!"

So, with his mind made up, Archer has them focus in on the face of one woman and figures that with a few minor alterations they can look like her. Heh, imagine if a group of aliens took one photo of a person on Earth, and it was Pamela Anderson, so they all put huge lumps under their shirts for when they go down, even the men - "With these, we'll blend right in and no one will notice a thing!" Archer decides the best person to send down into a situation where anything could happen and you need to remain cool and focused at all times... is Hoshi, who is likely to faint if hit by a falling leaf. Well, she doesn't get a chance to go down yet because they pick up signs of an antimatter reactor. Archer decides that he, T'Pol, and Tucker will come down as well to check it out. Tucker's very excited, and I'm betting I know why: his great, great, great grandpappy was picked up by them flying saucers and he's just itching to make use of the anal probe he made for a bit of payback!

By the way, we already hit a stupid moment here: they go to all the trouble of putting these cranial ridges down (everyone has a bumpy forehead; I wonder what'd happen if they ran across a species with no nose or something) but no one thought to do anything to T'Pol's ears until they're landing, so she covers them with her hair. To compound this, T'Pol is the only one wearing clothing that doesn't have a hood, apparently just so we could have this pointless scene. Oh, and thanks to last week's episode, I kind of cringed at this comment by Tucker: "My feet would be a lot happier in my own boots." Do you mean the boots you own, or the boots made from your own crap? Or is that one and the same?

Anyway, they track it to an antique store, but being night it's locked. Tucker has a lockpick, but because it's a futuristic lockpick, it has flashing lights and makes weird noises, and works slower than a regular lockpick would. Much slower. As in, you could probably already have the door open if it was a modern set of picks being used by Michael J Fox (yeah, I'm going to hell for that). Well, finally they get inside, and find another door, this one with a shield over it. Apparently Tucker's super-advanced lockpick was taxed out hacking a sixteenth-century antique shop's front door, because he isn't sure he can get through. However, they don't get a chance, as a woman with a tiny crossbow has followed them in and ambushes them. "You don't need to point that weapon at us," Archer says, and with good reason. It's a teeny-tiny crossbow - you are actually in far more danger of serious injury if you sit too close to a dartboard on nickle beer night.

T'Pol comes in, spots the situation, and stuns the woman. Archer gets all indignant and condescending that she did that - and this is the guy who has a problem with Vulcan superiority huh? So Archer takes her back home and waits with her alone because they're obviously going to do the whole romantic plot thing with them. She wakes up and sees him standing there like he's posing for a magazine and asks why he did that to her. He says he didn't, and then shows that he put no thought into this situation. He finally settles on "You just collapsed." Nice, really works. "Well, you see, um, there um was, um, this big, um, with the, um, and this thing and, um, and I tried to help you, but you see, um, the big thing, and um, actually, you just passed out."

Anyway, they banter for a while; turns out she's a pharmacist, which is perfect since Archer could use a bit of Respirdol right about now. He leaves and plans to come back to learn more about a disease that's been spreading for some time now. Tucker suggests bringing someone up to the ship to have Phlox look them over and find out what's wrong - so, once again, not only is an episode predictible, it's predictible by sarcasm. T'Pol even points out the possibility of causing cultural contamination by instilling a fear of alien abductions in them. We just need to see the anal probe now and it'll be complete.

Well, Tucker and Archer return to the shop and meet Wade Williams, who is allegedly playing Garos the shopkeeper, but I think is actually playing Dean Cain. Archer decides that Tucker will be the distraction while he scans everything. Naturally, Tucker is as good at trickery as you might think, so it takes the alien thirty seconds to figure out he's not from here, something that it required Archer a tricorder to determine. "Your DNA doesn't match any other lifeform on this planet." Well, sure, but then, the same can be said of me when you come down to it. So it turns out Garos is from the Malurian system; he claims he's an explorer who decided to settle down here, that the antimatter reactor is just to provide him with clothing and food. Archer doesn't buy it so he heads over to see the Romantic Interest again, this time with T'Pol.

Well, it's time for the exposition. Turns out the people have been getting sick within a month of Garos showing up, and all near his shop. This being a pre-industrial society, it's not surprising that we a) do not see a crazed mob trying to burn him alive, and b) a pharmacist with a more advanced understanding of disease than Dr. Watson. She also reveals that crates are regularly brought from the shop out of the city, and then vanish. T'Pol takes Archer aside and says that they should return to Enterprise, as they have what they need. He says he's going to stay, but she says that by doing so he risks cultural contamination. Archer's response is: "These people are suffering from something a lot worse than cultural contamination." Very much agreed, Archer. I hope you'll remember that, that the suffering of a people from disease that you can help stop will prompt you to continue to act to preserve life. In fact, I have no doubt that will be your bedrock belief: that if someone is sick, to hell with contamination, it's my duty to help! I will not let someone's protocols and some nebulous concern about my involvement interfering in natural development somewhere down the line stop me from doing what's right in the here and now! I, Captain Archer, swear it!

So T'Pol takes the sample she got from Riann (the pharmacist) and gives it to Phlox, who looks it over. He announces that it's a lubricant, meaning that either Goran is doing some kind of heavy machine work, or that Archer wasn't the first man Riann awoke to find standing over her the morning after. Speaking of the two, we find them in what is no doubt a very familiar situation for our leader: stuck in an alley while she mutters to herself. "I talk to my dog," is Archer's response to her admission. You know, I guess the basis of a relationship is finding the common ground, and both being crazy street people is as good a reason as any. Oh, by the way, just watching all of this makes me wonder why we never have a civilization that's dirty unless it's repressed or evil. These people, as Tucker observed, don't even have indoor plumbing (they probably can't even turn their shit into boots either!), yet this place is actually cleaner in appearance than the time we saw future San Francisco in Non Sequitur.

To top this scene off, Riann starts slipping into speaking gibberish, but it turns out this isn't crazy street people talk, but that the universal translator is malfunctioning. Archer knows he needs to do some quick thinking to resolve this. However, what he's thinking with is his penis, so he quickly starts making out with her while trying to reboot it so that it'll work. Apparently it wasn't very good, because she quickly goes right back to her notebook - that'll teach you to try Kirk's diplomacy, Archer.

What happens next is a bald guy with a small cart takes some big crates and wheels them out of the city into a clearing. A small ship shows up and tractors them up, then flies off, but the bald guy starts firing an energy weapon at Archer and Rianna. This begins the fight bit, which eventually leads to a fistfight. As we learned from The Andorian Incident, fistfights are something Archer kinda sucks at, so in the end he wins only because he gets to his phase pistol first. Still, I have to give credit: for a little while, at least, the music was pretty good, not the standard Rick Berman generic music we usually have that you really don't even notice because it just sits there. It's nice to hear a flute when someone isn't in a temple or being one with nature for once.

Archer takes a garage door opener off the unconscious bald guy (who's really a lizard alien in disguise) and uses it to open the shield around the door. He and Rianna head down and find the antimatter reactor, and that it's being used to power some heavy duty mining equipment. Archer fills Enterprise in, and it turns out the Mulurians are mining a chemical used to make explosives. It's always for something like that - it's so cheap. It's like all those Trek villains who during the denoument announce "-and I will turn it into a weapon!", and we're supposed to act all horrified. Hey, um, you remember Best Of Both Worlds, right? Probably the most watched story of Trek in the modern era? And what was it all about? Making weapons to fight the Borg. You have explosives yourself, Archer, or did you forget that your people blew up part of a three thousand year old temple with them?

Anyway, Tucker, in his best redneck voice, says he can come down and take a crack at doing something with that reactor, but as always even Archer knows something that could blow up half the city if it malfunctions it not something to put in the hands of a man who is the chief engineer solely because he's the only one smart enough to know what a handrail is for. So Archer heads in there with Rianna. There's two buttons, blue and yellow, and she suggests the yellow one, but after a stern talking to she finally agrees with him to do blue. This sets off the alarms and they get sealed inside. Nice move, Mr. Man Of The Galaxy, you were just called out by a lady whose people are at least a century away from inventing the toilet.

Up on Enterprise, a Malurian ship shows up and gives them a quick ass-kicking to get their attention. Dean Cain sends them a warning and says that Archer is dead and that they should leave orbit. He then leaves them to that and goes in to banter with Archer while the alarm sounds. Archer is pissed that their lubricant is poisoning the water supply, but our villain says that a few thousand locals won't be missed. This just raises the question of why they even bothered with this whole antique shop thing in the first place; if you don't give a damn, why not just blow up the city and mine the crater you make? Wouldn't it be a lot easier without having to go around putting the fake front up? Or do you work for Dr. Evil or something? "We have an antique shop seventy light-years away that mines explosives for our guerilla fighters, and our Seattle-based software empire is drilling to the center of the Earth to harness the power of the planet's magnetic field."

Up on Enterprise, T'Pol tells Mayweather to prepare to leave orbit, but Tucker butts in. When T'Pol points out that he doesn't have the authority to stop her, he contacts Engineering and tells them to get ready to vent the nacelles (thus winning Tucker the Annoying Character of the episode). That's sharp thinking there, Cooter - you know, when the Starfleet Combat Manual says it's good strategy to damage the engines, they were talking about the enemy's, not yours. You're not going to do the captain -if he's even alive- any good by getting his ship blown up and his crew killed. How did anyone reach the rank of commander while being so incompetent? Anyway, T'Pol says she has no intention of abandoning the captain, so Tucker calms down. Mayweather, of course, is relieved that he's not stuck in the middle of their little power struggle any more, though this is the second time this happened. Archer needs to really get things across to people: either T'Pol is the first officer or she isn't - if she is, Tucker needs to shut the hell up and accept it, and if not, he needs to say who is. And after this happens twice, maybe Archer should actually think about staying on the ship instead of running off and getting caught by the villain of the week and leaving this volatile situation on the ship that's supposed to be doing the rescuing.

Down in the Secret Underground Lair, Archer gets the security system and dampening field down, and they make their escape, but a firefight breaks out in the street. Seeing people attempting to kill one another with tame lightning in the middle of the street naturally causes the people to just kind of walk away at a brisk pace with only a couple low cries of surprise. Man, these people are jaded. Meanwhile, Tucker beams the reactor up to Enterprise and then out into space by the Malurian ship, where Reed shoots it with a torpedo, and then they disarm it. Down in the street, Archer shoots a container of oil right over the heads of the bad guys. As you can imagine, heating it up causes it to explode with enough force to stun them for a little while, rather than subjecting them to horrible burns or peppering them with shrapnel. Dean Cain gets his disarmed weapons back and he then beams them back up to their ship... which makes you wonder why they needed a bald guy with a cart and a descending ship instead of just beaming it right up to a ship.

Well, Archer drops off the medicine to cure everyone and says that the Vulcans will check up on the locals from time to time to make sure they're all right. Then he and Riall suck face for a little while and the episode finally finishes.

Rating: 4

Star Trek, and all related characters are property and trademark of Paramount Pictures.
The views expressed herein are those of the author and do not reflect the views of anyone
connected with Star Trek: Enterprise, or the staff and management of Paramount Pictures.
All original material copyrighted.