MST3K: Godzilla Vs. Megalon

Episode Rating: 5 stars

Plot: Nuclear testing underground pisses off the goofily-dressed people of Seatopia, whose leader looks like Tim Conway's Dorf character. They send out their thugs, including Oscar Wilde, to steal a robot being built by a guy who lives with his secret agent-style best friend and his kid brother who wears tiny shorts and possibly nylons. To cinch the deal, Megalon is sent in to blow the crap out of Japan, so Godzilla comes and beats the crap out of him instead. This does not really convey all the weirdness of this movie.

Opening: Joel and the Bots do the intro in the style of a news magazine show. "A man who ate his weight in silly putty? We'll see it!"

Invention exchange: Joel makes easy Halloween costume like the floor of a movie theater or a missing child. The Mads do the same, making the goalie on a foosball team and Geordi LaForge. "Reading opens up a rainbow of enchantment and whimsy and wonder and wisdom and whoo-" "Thank you, Kunta Kinte."

Host segment 1: Crow and Tom are looking at some pictures they don't want Joel to see, so they make up monsters. "My monster is so scary that even thinking about it can kill you!"

Host segment 2: Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy

Host segment 3: The Orville Popcorn sketch - Orville Popcorn and his grandson Garry try to hock their popcorn, but their bitter hatred for one another cannot be contained. "I hate you! I've always hated you! What happened to my real father, anyway?!!" "He's in the poor house where I replaced him, just like I'm going to replace you if you don't shut up and do as I say!"

End: Cool robot arms for Tom and Crow, and they translate the Jet Jaguar song.

Stinger: Godzilla does a cannonball.

Music: The Jet Jaguar Theme

He jock it made of steel
Eats sushi from a pail
Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!
He mother never really love him
He crimefighting cover up a basic insecurity
He dickey covers up an adams apple the size of a Toyota
He basically good-hearted but he'd like to smash that kid against a rock
Knock! Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
His head looks like Jack Nicholson
Don't smile like that, it will stay that way
Yahmmmaahoaahoaaaugh!
Don't touch my bags if you please, Mr. Customs Man.

Zingers

Crow: Whenever they test nuclear bombs, it's the monsters that suffer.

Joel: Try not to get sucked into the vortex of hell, Billy.

Tom: Well, this isn't going to help the tourist trade.
Joel: Yeah, plus we're in a recession.
Crow: Yeah, this watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful God couldn't have come at a worse time.

Dorf: Today, Seatopia-
Crow: Tomorrow, Broadway!

Tom: The gods do not approve of this inept car chase sequence.

Joel: [As Megalon blasts Tokyo] We'll eliminate all the no-pest strips in Asia if you'll just stop!

Tom: [as Godzilla finally arrives] And I'll save the last building!

Joel: Uhhh am I high or did I get nailed by some gargoyle thing?

Tom: [announcer voice] See if you're Godzilla, you're thinking, keep him away from the body, save the fire, pace yourself here. You're hoping that Jet Jaguar can handle another mutant hellbeast down the way.

Tom: [as monsters dance goofily in place] Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyah! Your father was an A-bomb, your mother was a lizard!

Crow: [as Jet Jaguar] Yeah, right, you control me. I'll be at home, crushing your house.

My Thoughts

I absolutely adore this episode. All three of the bits during the film were great, but the true prize is the Orville Popcorn sketch. Sure, it's dated, but I don't care, it's over-the-top spitefulness and unrestrained cruelty reach levels I strive towards daily. This alone would be worthwhile, but add in the hilarity of this movie, and it ranks as one of the best ever. It's a pity that the Godzilla rights will almost certainly prevent it's real release to DVD. It was erroneously released and recalled, but can still be found here and there if you're dilligent. Believe me, if I had a choice between this and a topless pillow fight between Liv Tyler and Jeri Ryan, I'd still choose this. Probably.

The riffing in this movie is just incredible, I really couldn't do it justice here. There's excellent comedic timing and good use of voice that doesn't translate, whether it's the reference to A Christmas Story with the toy being sucked into the whirlpool of death, the cadence of their color commentary during the big fight, even the little things like the "I'm really glad I'm not there!"/"Oh shoot, now I'm here!" bit, it's a really great MST3K experience, and it really is a shame that the DVD had to get pulled, as this episode's genius should be out there for the world to experience.

Still Store

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