My fears are quickly laid to rest as we return to what Voyager does best: being really, really boring and stupid. Jeri Taylor writes another love letter to her Mary Sue as Janeway must confront time loops and near death experiences and all that, but surprise! It's all a dream, or something. In an episode about life after death, we get a fine glimpse of hell right here.

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We return to Voyager and -sigh- Neelix. We run up to the limits of where Neelix has been, so he decides to turn to a life of crime, including smuggling drugs, accessory to murder, and being a douche in the first degree. Also, meet Vorik, the sleepwalking Vulcan.

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Coming off the heels of Genesis is Brannon Braga's other return-to-the-messed-up-ship story. Stucturually, it's done better. Conceptually, it's batshit insane. Giant viruses attack the crew - that's really all that needs to be said. Plus, the Tak Tak, possibly the most annoying race we've discovered yet.

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Yet another example of possession by an evil alien, but at least this alien isn't all bad. Sure, he's a ruthless, murdering dictator using his powers to hold death at bay, but he did at least get Kes out of her self-destructive relationship with the Jar Jar-footed Neelix. Plus, meet Turtleface!

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We skip ahead to the last Q chapter in the history of the franchise, and while it's better than The Q And The Grey, that's really not saying much. Q's son returns for wacky comedy, a repeat of Deja Q, and some images meant to freeze the soul. Also, Neelix loses his mouth.

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The Q And The Grey is the unnecessary sequel to Death Wish, which takes a strained concept past the breaking point, throws in lame sitcom jokes, and tops it off with the most ludicrous closing scene we've had in a long time. Plus, the world's lamest insult and Voyager does a joke about the size of Q's penis.

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The conclusion to our episode, showing both a lack of logical thinking and even more of a lack of budget. Thrill to the thirty second action sequence involving a big rig and a microbus! Watch the Doctor give lame action lines! And also, the battle of good verses evil to be decided in only one possible way: a mano a mano bench leaning competition!

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Future's End. I know, some of you are going to hate this, but really, this episode is not as good as some would like to remember. It beats you about the head and shoulders with the fact that Voyager's from The Future! and since Brannon Braga normally does this all the time, you can imagine how annoying it can get here. Plus, meet Rain Robinson, a perfect example of why the destruction of California wouldn't be that much of a tragedy.

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A good A-story stuck with a lame B-story. The Doctor is slowly succumbing to dementia thanks to his running for two years straight, and the crew must rescue him. Meanwhile, a completely bland cookie-cutter story about xenophobic aliens with a technobabble problem and technobabble solution. Plus, the lamest technobabble term yet!

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Another Torres episode, this time falling into the "screw something" plot category. Torres begins having intense, realistic sexual dreams while a group of telepaths are on board, and it actually involves sleeping with a member of the telepaths' race, so of course Torres is way too stupid to figure out there may be a connection. Brannon Braga teams up with Lisa Klink *shudder*.

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Harry and Tom are dumped into a horrible, horrible prison. Naturally, Harry remains a completely naive loser despite the situation. Another Kenneth Biller story with poorly-thought out ideas and a cartoon villain. How bad is that? The only thing that manages to save the episode is Garrett Wang's acting - really!

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What better way to follow up the news of George Takei's upcoming marriage with his Voyager appearance? Well, probably something good, but since I only review crap, you've got to take what you can get. Flashback is an episode about a flashback, so there's truth in advertising. Tuvok starts having brain damage because of a repressed memory, and so we see his time on the bridge of the Excelsior, which is the only thing that makes this episode any good.

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A special bonus this week: a mini-review of a TNG episode to go with this week's outing. Voyager comes across a way home and a group of Ferengi, and naturally the Ferengi are more important to them. Includes a very special chance to see Neelix's true colors shining through.

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Once again, Voyager seeks to sit on my face and smother me with its banality. Kes gets zapped by sacred Ancient Spirits and is thus going to die, so Janeway decides to go through a ritual to figure out how to solve it. This manages an impressive two-fer of insulting both science and religion at the same time, but at least we get to see someone tormenting Janeway for once rather than some helpless member of her crew.

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Well, this finally puts the Kazon story arc to bed, thank God. On Planet Screwed, the Voyager crew is killed off one by one thanks to Neelix's nonexistent survival skills, and Chakotay is allowed to act all heroic and noble and stuff. Tom (oh yeah, he's not really dead, what a shock) works to retake Voyager, and Suder runs about the ship trying to get the Kazon to put the lotion on its skin.

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Well, we return to Voyager, only to see them in their darkest hour. Seska's silly plan of getting herself pregnant with Chakotay's DNA finally starts to actually have some purpose to it, as they go chasing after the newly born baby. Meanwhile, crazed serial killer Suder has been working through his anger issues, but five minutes with Janeway undoes months of work, no surprise there. Plus, milking a lizard.

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I wasn't planning to post this review today, but my doctor said I had to. I have to work through the pain, you see, have to resolve the issues it's raised within me. He made it clear: it wasn't me that was strangling the mailman, it was this episode, using me to do it. I need to share my feelings with the group in order to understand and resolve that and emerge as a whole person again. So here it is, Resolutions, Jeri Taylors hour-long love letter to Captain Janeway and her message of how white girls are the only thing stopping minorities from killing each other. Plus, this bathtub scene... it...
"My happy place is a tropical island, where a cool breeze blows..."

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Tuvix takes the uncomfortable relationship between Neelix, shithead extraordinaire, and Tuvok, who tries daily not to kill him, and brings it to its most bizarre conclusion. The two are merged into a single being called Tuvix, who is an expert at everything except holding still and not dressing like a senile gypsy. Oh, and Janeway kills... again.

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The Thaw is everything that Innocence wasn't, so for my purposes it's going to be harder to be sarcastic. Fortunately they've decided that instead of being bad, they'd just all go insane, so there's still some kooky stuff, like further proof of Harry's deep-seated gender issues. Voyager comes across a group of people held in a collective unconsciousness, where a now sentient character inside has taken them hostage, and how has Harry, the poor dope. How to rescue them all without brain damage? Well, not by listening to Neelix, and that scene right there was worth watching all by itself. Anyway, check out this high point from the sewer of season 2.

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Watching Innocence is like being asked to fill out the paperwork on a home financing loan in a noisy hot room with a gassy dog. The plot is "Vulcan must deal with non-Vulcan children," one of those typical attempts at Hollywood comedy that are never, ever funny. There's also a race of beekeepers and the terror of the Moron. Be warned: in order to review an episode, something actually has to happen, and the Voyager creators have decided that would run counter to their goals here of making nothing remotely approaching entertainment. I've done what I can, but I've been handed moldy lemons to make lemonade with.

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After a year and a half of pregnancy, Ens. Wildman finally gives birth to a spider. This happy occassion is marred when Voyager passes through a technowhatsis field and causes the ships to be sort of duplicated - it's a Brannon Braga script, so trying to describe it is impossible because naturally the concept doesn't follow any kind of logic, including its own. Plus, Vidiians show up and Harry dies... again.

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The culmination of the Michael Jonus subplot. How should a story arc of subterfuge end? How about making the episode focus on Neelix! There's a great management decision. Thrill to non-action, Janeway's Rube Goldberg plan, and Neelix's own talk show. Plus, learn how easy it is for just about anyone to go through your things and thrill to juggling, sort of.

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A dying Vidiian shows up, so the Doctor plots ways to get into her pants. The Tom Paris and Michael Jonus (aka Carth Onasi) subplots move on, like a beast slouching towards Bethlehem to be born. Plus, annoying French aliens and convertibles on Mars.

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An episode released out of order by UPN. Why? Well, it may be that this featured the return of Q to Trek as well as a guest appearance by Riker, which caused them to air this during sweeps week. Goodness knows Voyager needed all the help it could get its second season. The story is about another Q that wants to commit suicide, and Janeway forced to decide whether he lives or dies. Yeah, no-brainer for whether or not she'll opt to kill someone.

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It's another Torres episode, which means it's time to spin the plot wheel. Round and round it goes, will it be anger, tech, or sex? And it's... tech! Thus this week she must solve a technical problem with lots of nonsensical science and made up words - that'll pad out the episode. A Cardassian missile with enough living space inside to accommodate a large travel agency has been sucked to the delta quadrant and is about to blow up a bunch of innocent aliens with walnut-shaped heads. Plus, discover the power of Janeway Pie.

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The Voyager crew has been stranded for a season and a half now, so it's no surprise that someone finally just snapped and killed someone for no reason. Tuvok's uncertain what to do in this instance, since normally when that happens he disposes of the evidence and tells Janeway it's taken care of, but this time it's someone else. In this case, he figures the best thing to do is mindmeld with a psychotic killer. Shockingly, that doesn't do Tuvok much good.

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Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! This is the one, the biggest failure in Voyager history. Prepare yourselves for an assualt on logic, science, and good taste. The concept: Tom Paris flies at infinite speed, which causes him to start mutating into a giant amphibian. It's even worse than it sounds.

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A lesson in naivette as an episode begins in a grim and gritty place where Voyager crew are dying from Kazon attacks and ends with heads buried firmly in the sand despite the fact they have all the more reason to worry about the Kazon. Alliances boldly chickens out where no one has chickened out before.

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This is an episode about fixing things. It has scenes of people fixing things, talking about fixing things, preparing to fix things, or breaking things that will then need fixing. If only they'd been fixing the script. Also: enjoy crewmen's letters to Janeway.

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We're back, and with a look at Resistance, where we discover yet another problem of the week Voyager will suffer and never see again. Inside you will learn the one true thing that can conquer any evil force no matter how powerful it is. Plus, the problem with evil overlords with low headcount for middle management.

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The return of Seska and more Kazon bullshit, all while Kenneth Biller plays god. Thrill as the crew battles an enemy so powerful they can sometimes defy common sense. Watch as Chakotay disarms the enemy with a modified sex toy. Plus, the worlds most stupidly-long needle.

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From our better-late-than-never department, Cold Fire. Brannon Braga attempts Jedi testing and Stephen King and fails at both, but at least we get to see a blatant rip-off of Dark Phoenix (the Marvel comics version). Oh, and learn for the first time how Janeway raises morale (not for the feint of heart).

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Welcome to another Jeri Taylor script, so you know what that means: prepare to hear about how awesome Janeway is. And for those of you that haven't had enough of it, more Ancient England crap. Finally, Janeway goes insane, but sadly no one notices.

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Thrill to Tattoo, now revealing the truth about the origins of American Indians as seen through the eyes of Voyager. You can imagine how well that's going to be handled. Stereotypes go a flyin' as Chakotay searches for the ancient Rubber People and their leader, Reed Richards.

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Neelix, our self-appointed morale officer, goes mad with hate and attacks members of the crew. Just remember that people only stalk because they love. In other news, Janeway has been reading up on how to actual captain a ship - good for her!

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Twisted is godawful, and that's really all that needs to be said. How bad is it? I'll sum it up with two little words: "Cake anyone?" Not for the faint of heart. Enjoy our first one-point episode.

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Non Sequitur, an episode that focuses on the pathetic antics of Harry Kim, who proves to be the Eeyore of Voyager. This is the kind of guy who would complain if he was promoted to captain and told the entire female crew was offering him guilt-free sex. Another outing from the Brannon Braga script factory, complete with all the nonsense and hackneyed bits you'd expect.

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Elogium gives us a greater insight into the Ocampan physiology, namely that a species this messed up can only be the result of someone with a twisted sense of humor. Be warned that you will learn things man was not ken to know as we look to Voyager's sex life. Plus, Tom's secret Romulan Marijuana ring.

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Brannon Braga plays to his strength by doing a psychological thriller episode. Why is that playing to his strength? Well for one thing, it helps explain away all the plotholes if nothing has to actually make sense. Plus, the return of the beloved Barclay from The Next Generation.

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Proving that not every bad script was written by Brannon Braga, Initiations is both dull and stupid. Two new categories are introduced in this story about Chakotay meeting a Kazon version of Nog, and things get even worse than it sounds. See the incredible security of Kazon prisons, specifically, a line on the floor you're told not to cross. Also, more of Chakotay preaching, as if you can't get enough of that.

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We return to Voyager now after the silliness of Enterprise to see where that silliness had its origins. Among other things, that you can leave a truck floating in the void of space for four hundred years and still be able to start it up on the first try, Brannon Braga taking his "ancient" fetish to ridiculous extremes, and real evidence that Janeway is either far dumber than we ever thought or is a closet bisexual.

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Here's the season finale of Voyager, in which the ship is crippled by... I can't even debase myself by saying it, it's that stupid. Thrill as we discover Tuvok's masochistic streak and learn just how moronic Starfleet Engineers truly are.

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Jetrel, an episode that explores the morality of weapon development by scientists by making sure he can't think of a damn reasonable thing to say. Guest starring that guy who does all the Lexus commercials as a crazy man with a jar full of mucus. Special cameo appearance by Admiral Ackbar.

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A very rare animal: a Voyager episode where people actually don't act like morons. Vidiians capture Torres, split her into two different beings, and then hot lesbian action happens (well, not really but I can dream, can't I?).

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Ladies and gentlemen, Brannon Braga's season 1 swan song, and it's every bit what you might have expected. Plot holes you can fly a Borg Cube through, more bastardized American Indian culture, and the most pointless multi-chapter story arc possible. Oh, and all filmed with a brilliant plan of making it so dark you can barely see the actors.

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Heroes And Demons, reminding you of two very important facts: that they want to be TNG so bad you can taste it, and that everyone is a complete imbecile. Oh, and a little Flight of the Valkyries, of course. "Duh duh-duh Duh duh, Duh duh-duh DUH duh, kill the WA-bbit..."

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State of Flux: mushroom soup, blood tests, and Carey has no balls. Witness the fashion victims that are the Kazons while Seska runs around trying to prove she's innocent by acting horribly, horribly guilty.

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Prime Factors - yet another episode that showcases the deep personal shame of Harry Kim. Thrill to the events as Janeway seduces a man with pecan pie, Tuvok returns from band camp, and Harry assaults avant gard artwork with a glowing sex toy.

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This week's episode -Emanations- showcases that not only can Brannon Braga provide foreshadowing you could spot at night through a thick fog, but that he knows just enough about physics and anthropology to sound like a complete moron. Anyway thrill as Harry explores life and death, the Doctor turns to Necromancy, and Chakotay touches the sacred cotton candy. Oh, and guest starring a race of aliens with big foreheads and guady hats.

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Ex Post Facto, where an alien race of bird people implant memories in Tom Paris head, but the true crime is dialogue so intolerably cheesy just watching it may require an enema. Tuvok tries to solve the mystery of an alien scientist, specifically, who murdered him, and why in God's name would he dress like that?

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Will they make it home in the sixth episode of the series? Anyone gullible enough to think so, please raise your hand. Thrill as the crew raises their hopes only to have them suffer the crushing weight of failure. Also, discover the Listerine-filled passages of wormholes and shudder at the terrifying site of the microprobe, bane of alien abductees everywhere.

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The first Voyager episode with a story conceived by Brannon Braga, which is: Voyager injures a living cloud, and a coffee-starved Janeway turns to a talking newt for guidance, although the actual episode isn't as smart as I make it sound here. See Torres, a woman who once failed to identify manure even with a tricorder, is put in charge of a serious scientific examination of a mysterious substance.

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Phage, episode five of the series, introduces us to the Viidians, a race that looks like overcooked pizza. This is also that little slice of heaven that shows what Neelix would be like if someone stole his lungs: just as annoying, but now also filled with self-pity. A thorough examination, complete with the neverending bitchslap.

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NFL Quarterback John Elway leads a group of radicals trying to stop the use of polaric energy in this, the third Voyager episode ever and the second in a row to use time paradox. Also, the first real look at Janeway's love for mass murder.

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Janeway resents being short and goes to great lengths to avoid it. Also, Torres yells and screams and rants and raves, as this is the limit of her character development. Finally, a plot point so stupid it was actually stolen from the Superfriends.

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Voyager gets sucked to the other side of the galaxy and get caught up in stuff. Janeway then strands them all there because being out here means no one can stop her wanton killings any more. Witness the first appearance by Neelix, the exciting acting of Garrett Wang, and Torres screaming.

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