OVEG: Eye Of The Needle

Description: Recently (at the time of this writing) ASVS denizen Spyda pointed out that Edward James Almos was considered as a captain for Voyager (I have no knowledge if it's true). It does indeed raise the question of what Commander Adama of the Battlestar Galactica would have done in Janeway's place. Frankly, I think the odds are pretty good that the series would have ended at the end of Caretaker. And of course, the idea of bludgeoning Neelix with a flashlight is certainly attractive. But of course, that's not this reality. No, this is the one where the array is blown up before sending Voyager home instead of after, which could have been done by either one person's sacrifice or the use of a high-tech device known as a "fuse." That means that Voyager is stuck and trying to get home... it's the premise of the series. This explains why the "Will Voyager make it home" plot features in so many episodes... because nothing sets up quality television like knowing ahead of time that the heroes are doomed not only to have their hopes and dreams smashed like a glass menagerie under the feet of an angry elephant, but also a chance to witness them wallowing in the stench of their own personal failure.

Again, too good for 'em, I say!

This week's foray into the realm of shattered desires is brought to you courtesy of Harry Kim and his wormhole of love, at least he hopes it's a wormhole. Tuvok points out that there's a seventy-five percent chance that even if this thing is a wormhole, it won't lead back to the alpha quadrant, and while he's correct, that really seems a rather silly oversimplification for a Vulcan. The odds are much higher that it would leave them closer to home than they are at the moment. Even if it's only a thousand light-years, that's one year less you have to spend dealing with Neelix. Hell, when you think of it like that, you've got to wonder why Tuvok's not sitting on the tallest mast he can find with a parrot on his shoulder scanning the skies with a telescope just to make sure they don't miss one.

Well, Voyager shows up, and it looks like there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that the wormhole is only about a foot in diameter. The good news is that Harry's shaken off the curse of the dryads and is actually a human being again instead of a tree. Tuvok comes up with the idea of using the wormhole to send a message through to the alpha quadrant, so they launch a microprobe (sounds like something the Doctor keeps in sickbay for his surlier patients) into it to see where it goes. We watch the probe fly through and see constricted spatial distortions, gravitational eddies, and apparently a hell of a lot of Listerine. The little probe gets stuck and then they find somebody on the other side is scanning it.

Dramatic music, jump cut, we're in sickbay. There's an annoying guy complaining that he hurt himself, and the Doctor is using it as an opportunity to teach Kes some medicine. There's an exchange where we see how the Doctor is treated by the crew, contrasted by Kes' own treatment of him. Character stuff, it'll play out later.

Back to the meeting room to talk about the probing. It seems that within the next three days, the wormhole's going to crush the probe. I'm not really sure how this works; it's not like the wormhole is a literal wormhole (even if we're in the magic ice metaphor meeting room), there's no sides to it that could actually crush matter. It's a warping of space, shouldn't the probe just get shot out the other side like a nasty spitball? Anyway, the idea surfaces of using the probe as a booster to talk to whoever's on the other side of the wormhole. Harry's so excited he engages in his own character development, and even brings B'ellana along for company. They send a signal out and wait for a while, then a signal comes back, revealing the other end of the wormhole to be in the alpha quadrant. Harry is set to work to finding a way to talk with them.

Cut to Janeway's ready room, and Kes shows up to have a talk. They get some drinks from the replicator, so I guess all that crap in the last episode about not having any power was unnecessary, since they seem to have worked it all out for this week. Can't we have just a little episode to episode continuity? Kes starts discussing how the Doctor is being treated, and Janeway comes back with how difficult he himself is. She says they've been given some thought to reprogramming him.

Let me explore this little topic in some detail, if you'll indulge me. Now, it's no secret that I have found the Doctor to be a ray of sunshine in every episode, so you might think my response is going to be against Janeway because of that; you'd be wrong. You might think my response is going to be against Janeway because it treats the Doctor as just an object rather than a person; if so, you'd be wrong again. In the context of the show, I will perfectly concede that this would be something to consider, given the known holographic issues of the time. The problem is the simple logic of the situation: the Doctor is the only medical person you have on the entire ship. Your medical back-up team is a pilot with two semester's of biochemistry and an elf. Why in God's name are you going to mess around with the code of the only physician you have? Isn't that horrendously dangerous; if something goes wrong, the whole crew can die of -dare I say it- gangrene. Even if he's annoying, at least he works! Frankly, even if he began slapping every patient that walked through the door, it's a small price to pay for knowing you won't die in miserable bloated agony smelling of almonds. Once again, Janeway takes the path to cause maximum risk to her crew.

Harry and Torres have been working to try to talk verbally with someone on the other side. It turns out to be a cargo ship, but they don't believe Janeway's really in the delta quadrant so they hang up, kind of like a high tech version of Crank Yankers (this week Voyager calls pretending to be the Klingon warrior K'lachu Gesundheit). Well, Tuvok is apparently really good at what he does, because even though Harry can barely get the guy's voice to come through, Tuvok's able to get everything but his favorite sexual position. It turns out it's not a cargo ship, but a Romulan science vessel that's probably on a secret mission. Janeway orders Harry to keep contacting the Romulan ship over and over without stopping... poor, poor bastard.

Janeway stops into Sickbay and talks to the Doctor, and discusses his situation. She agrees to give him the ability to control when he's turned on or off. And then we're to the next scene and... If you've ever seen the movie Real Genius, you might remember that Chris Knight states the most disgusting thing he ever saw: Hollyfeld in his pajamas. Well, guess what this scene offers. So Janeway in her nightie talks to the Romulan who's finally called back after being endless hailed by poor Ensign Schmuck. The Romulan still doesn't seem very trusting, so he suggests they try to talk face to face, because he is lucky enough to have a signal amplifier on board his ship. Very impressive technology; I had one of those in college so I could watch Dr. Who from the PBS station in Iowa.

So they set up the visual link, and the Romulan comments that he's never seen that kind of ship before. Janeway says it's new but not classified... but that she's surprised the Romulan spies haven't provided that information yet. Uh yeah, work those people skills, captain.... You're trying to get his help, remember, so stop insulting his people. "And I'm just surprised you were able to hook this amplifier up without either electrocuting yourself or blowing your primitive vessel to pieces." The Romulan, incidentally, is played by Vaughn Armstrong, veteran Star Trek actor who played Two of Nine (yes, as in number two of the same nine that contains Seven of Nine) in the excellent Survival Instinct episode by Ron Moore, who gave us the new Battlestar Galactica (see how I just bring it all around and back again?). He's also Admiral Forrest, whom you can hear about over on the Sarcastic Enterprise Guide. Anyway, he says he'll do what he can about getting messages back to the Federation for them... look at those dumb smiling faces on the Voyager crew. You guys have no idea, do you... no idea how your hopes are going to be dashed like a seagull dropping an egg onto a jagged boulder.

Oh wait, did I say dashed hopes? No no no, we haven't even reached the zenith yet. Torres believes that she can use the signal to get a transporter beam through and beam the entire crew back home again, leaving Voyager behind. Yup, in the sixth episode... even gullible drooling idiots aren't buying into the idea that they're actually going to be able to make it back. To help test things out, Torres and Harry beam over one of those deposit cylinders they have at bank drive through windows. Eventually they beam the Romulan captain over to Voyager, but Tuvok discovers that the Romulan is from twenty years in the past because the wormhole displaces in time as well as space. Ah well.

So, it's off to the magic meeting room, but alas, there is no joy in Mudville it seems. Janeway announces that going back would pollute the time line, and they apparently must give a hoot. Too bad... twenty years in the past? Watch some Night Court, play a little NES, put a little Cutting Crew on the stereo ("Wah! I just died in your arms tonight!"), and you can actually enjoy it because you know you're not going to get nuked into oblivion like we all thought. The Romulan captain suggests that in twenty years he could alert Starfleet not to send Voyager on this mission, but the crew turns it down on the grounds that it could actually work. They go with the original plan of relaying the messages, but, well, it seems the captain doesn't live long enough to deliver them. Listen, and you can hear the sound of hearts breaking and tears falling, and my distant, mocking laughter at their misfortunes.

Rating: 6

Best Moment: This is a rather even, predictible episode. The best moment I suppose would be the Doctor asking for a name.

Stupid Neelex Moment: Neelix does not appear in this episode. Whenever this happens, the rating gets an automatic +1 modifier.

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