OVEG: Ex Post Facto

Description: Sometimes the teasers for Trek episodes are great, sometimes bland, sometimes engaging. This one succeeds in being bizarre. It's in black and white, with little non-English characters on the bottom and the camera jerks around a lot, so it's kind of like watching one of those bootleg films that come out of the Far East. We see Tom Paris doing what Tom Paris does best: getting his game on with a chick. In this case, that might be literal, but I'll get into that fully in a minute. We discover that we're seeing all this through the eyes of someone else, experiencing horrendously bad dialogue all the while until Tom takes a knife and stabs the view-point character. Then we see the real Tom lying down, and that his sentence is that every fourteen hours he will witness this same event. For the rest of his life he will have to constantly re-watch an exerpt from Voyager; truly a living hell. To make this scene even more bizarre we cut back and discover that apparently Tom is also in frickin' Whoville.

Anyway, this episode is called "Ex Post Facto." For those of you who are wondering, that is not the name of a Mexican wrestler. The phrase normally is used to refer to a law that is applied retroactively, thus punishing people for things that were legal at the time (something usually forbidden in criminal matters). This has absolutely nothing to do with the episode, but Voyager isn't really going to let that stop them. Someone may want to argue that it isn't meant to be used as a legal term, but to take the Latin phrase at face value ("from a thing done afterwards"), but frankly this is far too generous for a mystery this stupid. Not since the movie Double Jeopardy have I seen a more transparent attempt to surround a ludicrous concept with the window dressing of legal thriller.

We come back from the credits into Sickbay. Kes is taking a test, and while she does so discusses the Doctor's name, which he hasn't picked yet. But no time for that, because a shuttle is coming back with Harry Kim on board, looking badly dehydrated. He says they made him leave without Tom, and then we're forced into the most horrible thing yet: a flashback. A narrated flashback... narrated by Harry "Dutch Elm" Kim. Damn them. Damn them straight to hell!

Here we meet the aliens, the Beneans. They're an avian-based species, as shown by the feathers on their heads and the bird-like ridges on the foreheads. And of course, hair and teeth are quite common among birds, as everyone knows. I don't know what happened in the creation of this episode, if this was a vision that wasn't fully carried to fruition or if it was merely doomed from the start. But the Beneans are such a half-assed attempt as aliens it's embarassing to look at them. It's hard to believe so much effort was expended to make aliens that looked this ridiculous. If I met a species like this, I wouldn't ask them to fix my engine, I'd offer them a peanut and send them on their way with a pat on the head. I mean, just take a look at this guy, Tolan Ren, and tell me if he doesn't just smack of absurdness. With that suitcoat he stole from Curly Howard and that red feather dress thing on his head with a grey beard... he doesn't look like an alien, he looks like a demented professor at a community college.

Harry narrates that he and Tom went to Ren's house (a bird-alien named "Ren." Voyager brings on the Komedy again!). He comes in and there's a perfectly normal dog waiting for him; yeah, whatever. What's pathetic is that I mention this because it's an important part of the story. By the way, this Ren guy's been on the screen for like two minutes and I already want to kill him, so I give a pass to whoever actually did the deed. Now we meet Lidell, Ren's wife. She has breasts, of course, because birds are well known for having nipples. I remember visiting a farm as a young boy and watching the young maidens gently milking the chickens...

They get some drinks out of someone's gym locker and more of the barking dog. Man that's one ugly mutt, I mean the "Shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards" kind of ugly. We see that Tom's penis-sense is tingling as he checks out Lidell, then it's off to dinner for unpleasant conversation to establish how much Lidell despises her husband so we get the hint that she might sleep around. I'm sure she'd have absolutely no motive for her husband's death.

Having escaped the flashback, Janeway has ordered Voyager to travel to the Benean homeworld. This is dangerous because they are at war with the Numiri. To deal with this, she calls Neelix in, and man, he's stooped to a new low with this week's wardrobe. Normally Neelix is dressed in clothing that a gypsy would dismiss as too gaudy, but today we're talking Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Upholstery. It's like the cushion my grandmother throws out because the dog refuses to sleep on it any more. Still, I must say I'm impressed... seventh episode and Neelix has finally managed to provide some kind of information that is both useful and, shockingly, actually true. Score one for the shithead, I guess.

After a brief run-in with a Numiri patrol ship, they meet with the head honcho on the planet, who does the important job of retelling everything we've already seen to Janeway so that the viewer can get up and take a piss without having to wait for the commercial. Janeway and Tuvok meet with Paris, and ask if he was doing a little cackaw-cackaw with Lidell, a little checking of the drumsticks, a little nibblin' on some chicken breast, a little stuffing the turkey, a little rockin' in the treetop all day long hoppin' and a boppin' just a singin' a song, you get the drill. Some days I love my job.

Janeway convinces Paris to start another flashback scene, and boy, this one is even worse than the last one. First Tom comes across Lidell smoking in the atrium "staring at stars I had flown by the day before" (whatever). He gives her a lecture on the evils of smoking because this is PC Trek after all. What could make this scene any worse? Lidell delivers the tired salt of "I smoke because I'm afraid to kill myself quickly." Aw man, when did Trek start basing their scripts on beginner creative writing stories? "It was a dark and stormy night. Into my office walked a dame with million latinum legs and a swing to her hips that could unphase a tachyon beam. She had trouble stuck to her like stink on Klingon, but the way she set my phaser on stunning I knew I'd be takin' the case."

At this point it's really hard to figure out who's dropped the ball on this episode. Is LeVar Burton (who's directing) to blame for this, or is he just trying to get into the spirit of this pitiful excuse for a script? Who knows. All I know is that this is being so overplayed, the dialogue so attrocious, and even the blocking seems unnatural and forced, it's hard to figure out if this is a group effort at sucking, or if just one person is to blame. Whatever the case, this episode is painfully hard not to simply fastforward through. "I guess that makes you a good woman," Tom remarks. "Good can get very.... boring." Yeah, so can shitty dialogue. Tom has an episode and Janeway wants to take him back up to Voyager to get treatment, but Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law opposes. The unnamed guy who frankly may be Paul Simon for all I can tell (the feather wigs really draw your eye away from the face) suggests they let him, and Harvey agrees so long as they promise not to leave orbit (with no takebacks). The Doctor looks him over and says that the punishment could cause permanent brain damage. Janeway thinks this could be grounds to appeal the sentence, but Tuvok says that before the memory transfer thingie was used murderers were subjected to lethal injection, then deep fried and served with cole slaw.

Tuvok decides to take on the investigation. He goes to speak with Lidell so we can see some more pathetic mystery bullshit and then yet another flashback. Tom and Lidell run back in the rain and then kiss passionately, because everyone knows that birds have lips. Tuvok comes back to Voyager and speaks with Tom. Tom makes it sound like he was drugged, but before they can get into things the Numiri start mixing it up with them. Chakotay and B'Ellana set up a plan to trick the Numiri that's so pathetically obvious that even Janeway belittles him for it. Of course, it works, so it's back to Sickbay for Tuvok to try a Hail Mary pass by doing a mind-meld with Tom when a cycle strikes. We watch the scene again, because Lord knows it wasn't dull enough the first few times.

Tuvok thinks he knows what's going on, and to prove it they send Tom back on a shuttle (another of those kind that was seen in Parallax; remember, these are only used on the really dangerous missions). Tom and Harry have some banter... and then we have what will hilariously prove that Tom Paris has psychic powers that would make Dion Warwick weep with envy, about how one day Harry will meet a woman and know it's wrong from the get go and still get involved with her. Like Seven Of Nine. Or the wrong Delaney twin. Or that alien chick on the ship made of pasta. Or any of the other girls that all logic says Harry should stay far far away from. Anyway, this hands down wins Best Moment for this episode. But back to the program: the Numiri capture the shuttle and try to kidnap Tom, but he gets beamed away. The shuttle gets rescued too, surprisingly... actually, I'm amazed we're this far into the series and haven't lost a shuttle yet.

Tuvok now has the "proof" he needs to prove Tom's innocence, but it wouldn't be a completely cheesy crime novel story without having him gather everyone together at the scene of the crime to lay out how it was all done. To make this scene even more nonsensical, there's this goofy looking idiot standing right over Tuvok's shoulder while he lays out how it was all done. It turns out that Paul Simon was the one in the image who was calling her Betty and when she called him she could call him Al (Na na na na). It was all part of a plan to smuggle Ren's information to the Numiri in Tom's brain using the procedure. This scene culminates with the stupidity of having the dog recognize the killer as the clinching evidence. Oy vey. I've seen better mystery resolutions that end with "If it hadn't been for you meddling kids!" Honestly, this is a disappointment and a half. With the second half of Caretaker I had hopes that Tuvok's investigative and deductive skills would be a great boost for the series, but the first real story based on that falls on its ass with a plot so bland, so insipid, it's practically an insult. That the murderer is a character who isn't even provided a name is pitiful. Once again, Voyager takes potential and stomps it beneath the hard-heeled shoes of mediocrity.

Rating: 3

Stupid Neelex Moment: During the briefing, Neelix utters a line that's almost funny, but ruins any good will by stopping and laughing a good long while at his own joke. Kill him, please captain!

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