OVEG: Emanations

Description: The episode starts with Janeway providing the Captain's Log: "There are 246 elements known to Federation science. We believe we have just discovered the 247th." Yeah, I'm sure you have... oh God, I already know this is going to be painful. Sometimes, the captain's log says so much more than just the blatant exposition it provides, it also forewarns that coming up is a descent into scientific or logical ineptitude. Harry Kim gives some info on our brand new element, pointing out that it seems to be stable. Janeway comments that a stable naturally-occuring transuranic element is a first, and frankly that's understating the case. It's like finding a cube-shaped planet or a waterfall that runs backwards. Most transuranic elements are artificial and all are radioactive; basically Voyager's found the impossible, or so they might think. I'll lay good odds they'll still say something stupid.

Chakotay, Torres, and Harry beam down to one of the asteroids that contain the element, and immediately Chakotay wanders into some "biopolymer resin," which is a great way to say absolutely nothing. I do love the fact that Chakotay not only walks right into the damn thing, but sticks his tricorder into it, yet asks someone else what it is. Do you even know how that thing works, Chakotay, or have you been just faking it all this time?

By the way, this is some phenomenally disappointing material. I've seen countless movies where people stumble into this stuff and are attacked by a giant spider, but that's not eve hinted at here. Oh sure, technically a giant spider can't exist, but then true science has never slowed down Voyager, has it? The living cloud, Q, not to mention the silliness of this episode we'll get to soon enough. I just want to see Shelob grab one goldshirt, is that so wrong?

So the trio wanders through more and more of this while Torres gets stronger readings, and then they find someone wrapped in the cotton candy. "Class 5 humanoid," Torres said, and you know, collect them all. This is the first and last time we'll ever hear of humanoids coming in different classes, because it does seem pretty stupid when you get down to it. All the Trek humanoids are basically the same anyway; hell, most are either mammals or nevertheless mammal-like (Cardassians are alleged to be reptilian and the Baneans are supposed to be avian, yet both species have breasts, which are unique to mammals. What's more, humans are unique among primates because the females have swollen breasts all the time instead of just when pregnant. Then again, the fact that these species can still mate and produce offspring is far more absurd, so I suppose we'll just leave it at that.). But even beyond that, why would they use the term "class" when taxonomy already uses that term? It's just one more example of them trying to sound smart and failing so very miserably.

Anyway, they look around and find eighteen bodies in all, all covered in the webbing. It turns out the element is inside them. "We think it's some kind of byproduct of their decomposition," Torres said, thus proving that the Voyager crew are a bunch of goddamn idiots. When bodies break down, it's all chemical reactions, nothing more; creating a new element requires nuclear transformations, so it just ain't possible. Not only that, but this is an element that is unknown to science, meaning that this spontaneous breadown is creating nuclear changes you can't do in a laboratory. It would honestly make more sense if we suddenly discovered that Chakotay could crap gold.

Speaking of Chakotay crapping, he's about to do so all over Harry right now. Harry thinks they should use this as an opportunity for anthropological discovery, but Chakotay disagrees because he's an anthropologist, which according to him is the science of concocting half-baked theories rather than gathering data. Janeway agrees that they should respect the dead and use their tricorders on passive scan only. Passive scan is essentially just reading whatever data comes to you; to use an analogy, a camcorder is passive scan, because it records whatever data comes in naturally, but a camcorder with a light on it is active scan, because it's providing more light to get a more detailed picture. In other words, Janeway's suggesting is they just observe and record. However, this still doesn't go far enough for Chakotay, who believes that it would violate the sanctity of this site. Oh please. And I suppose if someone takes your picture they'll steal your soul. Instead he says they should use visual inspection only as he walks amongst the bodies. I was so hoping that while he was going on and on about all this crap he'd take a misstep and put his boot right through the chest of a corpse like a month-old jack o'lantern, but alas he's fine. Chakotay takes the time then to wax philosophical about all this until you just want to smack the gold-filled crap out of him.

Torres comes back and says she's seen enough, to which Chakotay offers that typically smug "you're looking but not seeing" shtick. Apparently "seeing" means, cobbling together half-ass theories with little data, because he spouts a bunch of nonsense. For example, talking about the ritual of disposal that clearly shows signs that this culture believes in the afterlife. Correct me if I'm wrong, but taking just the United States, I'm pretty sure there's no difference in the positioning of the body in the casket depending on the beliefs of the deceased; an atheist isn't going to ask that they be put in a position of cringing horror rather than serenity, which is part of Chakotay's spontaneous theory generation. Got to just love this approach: first you prevent people from gathering data, then you jump to conclusions... sure sounds scientific to me. We are at seven and a half minutes into this episode and it's already thumbed its nose at two scientific fields; frankly, the giant spider would have made tons more sense.

Torres points out that Chakotay is full of shit, and he's about to deliver his smackdown when a strange light and sound appear, interrupting him in mid-smug. "Tricorders," he orders, deciding that this isn't some kind of sacred light show or something. It's a subspace vacuole, which ranks as the funniest term yet. A vacuole is (to be simplistic) a part of a plant cell that is used to put things in, take things out, or store things. In other words, Harry has just stated that something is about to be crapped out of subspace. They try to beam back to Voyager, but there's a bit of a problem: they get back Chakotay, Torres, and a freshly arrived cadaver, but no Harry. This is a problem because Harry is slightly more animated than the corpse is, although it probably takes a tricorder to tell the difference. As long as they can teach the corpse to whine I suppose they can prop it up at Harry's station and no one will really know the difference.

Torres is running her tricorder over the corpse and says that this is a fresh one, with electrical activity still in the body; in other words, they might be able to revive her. "We can't interefere with this woman's natural process of death," Chakotay says, employing the little known and seldom used Starfleet Asshole Directive. I've really just about had it with him, and we haven't even reached the ten minute mark yet. Torres finally gives him the verbal bitchslap needed, so they beam the corpse over to Sickbay.

And cut to an alien ceremony, complete with a guy in a dorky hat... and believe me, I have been paying attention to this series, so when I seek to comment on the hat, it's... it's bad. I mean, if you want to commit a crime, forget the ski mask and wear this hat, because I guarantee you no one will be looking at your face. Anyway, hat guy is performing a ceremony for the dead when there's pounding coming from the inside, and faster than you can say "BRAAAAAAIIINNNSS" the lid is opened to reveal Harry.

Cut to some more of the aliens, where some big foreheaded guy is saying goodbye to his big foreheaded wife. Apparently he's going to die, but they're not bothered because they'll see each other in the next emanation (the afterlife, apparently, where all people can live together in peace and harmony no matter how large their foreheads are). How goofy; looks like a planet designed by Mike Judge. Harry is brought in and talks to the guy for a while before the head witch doctor is brought in. He's so important he doesn't even need a stupid hat. Harry and the doc talk a bit, and they figure out that they're in another dimension.

Back on Voyager, at Janeway's prompting the Doctor explains the humdrum way in which he's able to raise the dead. Again, no giant spider, but yes to necromancy. Anyway, Doctor Lovecraft explains the biopolymer cotton candy is created when the body tissues break down during decomposition and are pushed out of the skin... which like most of this episode makes zero sense. If she's still fresh enough to be brought back to life, how is it that she's decayed enough to secrete decaying cotton out of her skin? It just... it just hurts sometimes, ya know? But back to the episode; the Doctor awakens the woman, and she reveals herself as Ptera (and yes, you pronounce the "P", as in "puh-tear-ah"). Apparently finding out that she's stuck on Voyager is as frightening to aliens as it would be to me, because she begins panicking and has to be sedated with the magic off button.

Back in Dimension X, Harry speaks to the witch doctor who explains that the pod thing kills the person before sending them through the vacuole to get crapped onto an asteroid. The doctor asks questions and Harry tries to explain, leaving the guy horrified at the fate. "Did you perform any kind of bioscan; get any kind of medical data?" Poor Harry... how does he explain that he tried but was ordered not to by Chakotay and his deep personal issues? The doctor has Mr. Hat come in to take Harry away for examination, hoping that he can provide some glimpse into the afterlife, and in some sense, I suppose you could call Voyager living hell, so it's not that far off.

Anyway, Ptera wakes up and fills Janeway in on what happened. Ptera then asks for some answers on what's happening, and Janeway condescends to her with "I realize you've been through a very traumatic experience," which is the second gross understatement she's given this episode (I mean, how much more traumatic can you get than F**KING DYING!!!). But then we hear Ptera crying, and it sounds like a squeaking toy, so I suppose that justifies condescension. But before we can get much further, the ship lurches and a corpse is crapped into Engineering. Oops, looks like that Jeffries Tube is now a sacred place.

After this is a long scene involving big forehead alien and his wife, and then Harry, to discuss what happens after death. I'll provide the following by way of summary: blahbity blahbity blah. Back on Voyager, more corpses are dropping all over Engineering, but fortunately Tuvok knows just what to do, no doubt having experience from Janeway's many killing sprees over the years. There's also some kind of neural energy that passes out of the bodies and into the ring system where the asteroids are. Gee, I can't imagine what this could possibly be foreshadowing; I'm sure it's going to come right out of nowhere.

Now Kes and Ptera are down in the mess hall, watching the stars and giving Ptera a chance to complain... of course, I'd probably complain to, so I can't really hold it against her. But clearly this is important, so much so that they have to go to the magic metaphor meeting room to discuss it. Torres says that since it was a transporter accident that got them into this, that obviously the transporter can set it right, as that's the way transporter accident episodes work. Of course she doesn't come out and say that, but it's pretty obvious since they always do it every damn time and will continue to do so years from now.

Well, they return to the ring system and give Ptera a subspace tronsponder and prepare to beam her back through a subspace vacuole. Well, things don't go so well, and she reforms back on the pad covered in cotton candy again. This time apparently the Doctor can't do his necromancy on her, so ya know, can't make an omlette, blah blah blah, beam her off my damn ship. Back in Dimension X, they want to move Harry so they can do a more thorough exam and also to protect him from fanatics (presumably people with far stranger hats, though I am loathe to imagine how such a feat would be possible without resorting to dark and twisted magics or joining an Elk club). After the witch doctor leaves Harry is talking with big forehead, who's wrapping himself in a death shroud. Back on the asteroid Chakotay had commented that the dead people were all naked, but it turns out they're all buried in the shroud. Continuity error? No, just another sign that maybe next time that doofus should learn how to use the damn tricorder so he doesn't miss the freakin' obvious right in front of him.

(Given what happens, it's possible the shroud disappears during the interdimensional crapping, but this is never referred to by anyway, and frankly, it makes no sense anyway. Somehow or other there's a continuity gaffe in here, which is par for the course.)

Anyway, Harry talks some more with big forehead and gets the guy to admit that he really doesn't want to go through with this, that he'd rather just disapper up into the mountains and live with some friends. So Harry's plan is that he switch places with big forehead and be sent through instead. Of course, it means that he'll die before he's passed through, but Harry doesn't let that stop him... hell, he hasn't let his gradual descent into a tree hold him back, what fear should death hold to him? So he shows up and they send him on his way, and of course there's a whole lot of fake tension that they might leave, or that maybe he won't come back. Of course, they don't leave and it takes one damn shot of a hypospray to raise the dead because, after all, he gets his name in the main credits. Oh yeah, and Janeway waxes philosophical about the neural energy, right out of left field. Never saw that coming.

Oh, by the way, the magic element? Never discussed after the first seven minutes of the episode. Still, the less said on that idiocy, the better, I suppose...

Rating: 4

Stupid Neelex Moment: Neelix does not appear in this episode, thus netting it the +1 modifier from 3 to 4.

Lazarus of the Week: Harry, killed by bad ray that sends him through the dimensional hole thingie.

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