OVEG: Heroes and Demons

Description: Ah, Voyager's gone and found themselves a proto-star (tech: stellar body that will one day form a true star) with unusual photonic activity. You will hear "photonic" used a lot through the Voyager series, usually to refer to holographic beings because it essentially means light (although broadly speaking you could take in the entire electromagnetic spectrum, i.e. infrared, microwaves, gamma rays, etc.). Since this is inside a proto-star, odds are pretty good there are no holodecks, so this means basically there's some unusually electromagnetic activity. Fair enough. Then Janeway talks about beaming over a sample. Uh... maybe she means some of the matter of the proto-star, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Annnndddd.... no, she beams over "photonic matter." More the fool me for actually thinking for a moment this show didn't have the scientific literacy of Woody Woodpecker. Actually, that's something of a disservice; at least Woody Woodpecker was used to help educate the public on what NASA was doing during the sixties. If we had Voyager to thank for it, the Russians would have been giving away toilet paper on the moon while NASA tried to hurl rockets into space with giant rubber bands. (If you don't get why this is stupid, Janeway just said she beamed over a jar full of light. This is essentially the same scientific error advanced by Ed Wood in Plan 9 From Outer Space. Coincidence?)

Torres is put in charge of running the full spectral analysis of the magic jar of light, since Seven of Nine hasn't joined the crew yet, so a Maquis greasemonkey is the best they can field at the moment. As Torres tell Janeway that it'll take six hours to examine this stuff, it occurs to the captain just how stupid putting a half-Klingon renegade in charge of analyzing light is and suggests that maybe Harry can help out. Harry's off duty, after all, so it offers another chance to rob him of personal joy by ending his recreation and sending him down here to get his metrosexual ass kicked by Torres - definitely a win-win situation for Janeway. Janeway tries to contact Harry but there's no response; the computer says he's no longer on board the ship. "Oh that's right, I forgot I had thrown him out the airlock just to watch him die," Janeway comments. Well, no, not really, but I bet you really weren't that surprised when you read that, were you?

Tuvok, Chakotay, and Janeway discuss the matter of the missing Harry, but given his low place in the food chain this calls for neither the magic meeting room nor a ready room huddle, just a general bridge milling about. Poor dumb Harry. Tuvok and Chakotay head down to the holodeck to see what Harry had been up to; the program's still running, but all the overrides aren't working. Yep, whatja got here, see, is yer standard issue busted holodeck story. I'm bettin' we'll find ya got a malfunctioning holodeck safety system too.

New quadrant, same goddamn stories.

Well, with the holodeck not responding and the certain knowledge that something has happened to Harry in there, Chakotay sees no problem in just sending him and Tuvok in alone to deal with this. Of course, just last episode we saw Chakotay employ the same tactic against a group of Kazons and got shot in the chest for his trouble, thus proving that not only is he an idiot, he's an idiot who can't learn from his mistakes.

And now we hit the opening credits. Boy, Voyager's really working hard to fill out that teaser; the episode proper isn't starting until 4:39, and considering its Tuvok and Chakotay standing in the woods with their tricorders out, I'm less than impressed. It turns out the program is based on the story of Beowulf. Tuvok has no idea what it is, so Chakotay fills him in (very curious, since Beowulf has nothing to do with American Indian culture, which seems to be the only culture Chakotay has ever been permitted to speak about). Beowulf's the story of a guy who mixed it up with a monster named Grendel who was terrorizing this kingdom... then the monster's mom shows up and complains (and no, I'm not making that up... those wacky Brits, even in the sixth century they were cut ups. Too bad the Benny Hill bit and the dead parrot sketch were left out of the final version of the poem).

Before they go any further a spear flies out of nowhere and hits a tree right by Chakotay. A woman with long golden braids and a bullet helmet comes up, armed with a huge sword, challenging them. Against these two, she won't even need the helmet. She announces her presence: Freya, shield-maiden, daughter of King Hrothgar. *sigh* The daughter of Hrothgar is supposed to be Freawaru, which means "peaceweaver," not "beater of ass." Freya was the Norse goddess of love, sex, and war, which tells you why the Norse were such fun people. But really, it's not enough that we have to screw physics, we have to screw up literature too; for shame. Really, this is like doing The Greatest Story Ever Told with Emperor Shi Huang-Ti in the role of Jesus.

Freya asks about these two yahoos, and Chakotay says that they are kinsmen of Beowulf. Freya describes Beowulf as "Hair straight and raven black. Eyes bright with fierce fire. The Burning gaze of a hero." Tuvok says it would qualify as a description of Harry Kim. Um, why? That's just as much a description of Walter Matthua, the Second Doctor, John Cleese, Ronald Reagan, Ash from Pokemon, and Moe (nyuk nyuk nyuk; numbskulls!). To compound this, Tuvok asks how Chakotay knew that Harry would be Beowulf, thus proving that Tuvok's an even bigger idiot than Chakotay is. I mean, logic is supposed to be your domain, Tuvok, and so far you're getting your butt whooped by a guy who let two spies into his inner circle and managed to lose Neelix's lungs... time for some serious fourth quarter action here, Tuvok.

Freya tells them that Beowulf was killed, and takes them to her father's house, where there's feasting, etcetera, and Freya introduces them as the ones who will avenge Beowulf's death. They are greeted with apathy, which, you know, can't really blame them. I mean, I'd great them with apathy too, and I know they have phasers. We learn that Beowulf faced Grendel alone and there was no trace of him left, so Chakotay thinks he and Tuvok should try facing down Grendel. This causes Unferth to ask for what purpose (in the poem he's a foil of Beowulf, an important man who feels threatened by Beowulf's courage), and when pushed, asks what right they even have in being there. "Your names mean nothing to me. There are no songs of your deeds nor stories of the battles you have fought. Who are you to believe you can slay Grendel?" And you know, he's got a point; so far these two haven't proven to me they're up to the challenge, and this is over halfway through the first season. The king, however, believes they are great warriors and leaves them on sentry duty for the night. Chakotay relays everything to the bridge, giving Janeway the opportunity to... truth be told, I don't know what the heck she's doing. Some kind of bizarre improv exercises apparently. She's got a new hairdo in this episode, maybe she's trying to get used to the redistributed weight.

Tuvok walks around the room, scanning it carefully while Chakotay just kind of wanders around jabbering. Chakotay seems really good at this supervising thing, i.e. just standing there. Janeway eventually contacts them and lets them know that there's some photonic energy being picked up by their tricorders. Chakotay asks why it would be in the holodeck, and it is an interesting question: why would light be present in a room that's filled with, um, projections of light? You know, I used to think "can't see the forest for the trees" was just an expression until I discovered Voyager. Tuvok speculates that Harry may have been converted into energy, and Janeway says it's possible. Holodecks work like transporters, she says, changing energy into matter and back again. Except, you know, not. If it were real matter, for example, the Doctor could walk right out of Sickbay, so really, they can't even keep their own made up physics making sense.

Grendel starts banging on the doors, and Tuvok points out that Grendel was likely responsible for whatever happened to Harry. Thus, he recommends withdrawing to a safe distance while leaving a tricorder to remotely record events... oh no, wait, I'm sorry, I was assuming he wasn't an idiot. No, his plan is that he and Chakotay just stand there and point the tricorders at it - there's absolutely nothing that can go wrong with that plan! Besides, they can always be transported out, unless the transporters failed, which would be impossible.

Oh my God! The impossible happened! Heavens to Betsy, what are the odds?!!

So, Janeway's managed to kill the first officer and the chief of security in addition to Ensign Eunuch, so this escalates things enough to head to the magic meeting room. Tom Paris is brought in at this point because he's the only main character left who wears a uniform and is capable of actually entering the magic meeting room. He's the one whose job it is to point out that since this is Voyager there's got to be a magic reset button that'll bring the three of them back so that he can get back to some serious benchwarming. Since this is an episode where everyone is stupid (and I realize it seems I'm throwing that term around a lot, but really, this episode seems like everyone needs the obvious shoved right into their faces) it takes Tom to point out that the Doctor can go in and face Grendel without risk of being converted into energy because he's not made of matter... because he's a hologram... which is an outgrowth of transporter technology... by converting energy into matter... which he isn't... You know, you really have to make a concerted effort to be this self-contradictory; careful coordination is clearly required to make so little sense.

Janeway gives a long speech about this being the Doctor's first away mission, but the upshot is that he's going to be sent onto the holodeck to scan Grendel, and that while he's there he'll be able to control his magnetic containment so that objects can pass through him if he wishes, since he's not made of matter... No, let's not get on that merry-go round again. I'm just going to call the episode stupid and save myself some time. Anyway, the Doctor starts to get to work, but Kes interrupts, offering the first conversation where both participants have a fully-functioning brain (even if it's simulated in one case). Kes suggests that he finally pick a name and use it when he goes in there to feel more like an officer.

Let's cut to the chase - this is a character building episode for the Doctor, and overall that part of it works. I've gushed over Picardo's acting chops before, and he delivers the goods here. Indeed, the final rating on this reflects just how well he performs to balance out the sheer ineptitude of the overall story and the collection of morons that make up the Voyager crew. Enough with the attacks on them, already? Oh, please, read on, dear reader...

But first, the Doctor. He gets ambushed by Freya in exactly the same manner as Chakotay and Tuvok, but the Doctor did his homework and knows who she is, at least in the context of this bastardized version. Freya goes on about her accomplishments, including her campaign against the Heatho-bards... *sigh* See, no one can know this much about Beowulf and not know they've completely cocked up this entire character. Freawaru is supposed to have married the king of the Heatho-bards and brought peace between them, not gone down there and kicked the shit out of them. I'm all in favor of strong female characters; I think the fact that Seven of Nine can beat the hell out of Tuvok is awesome. But turning the woman whose love brought peace to two kingdoms into a master slaughterer is just... just so wrong! It would be like Gandhi being portrayed as William Wallace from Braveheart. After all, they both fought the British. Of course, let's ignore the fact that the face-painted oaf has as much in common with the pacifist leader as he has with Toucan Sam... actually, now that I think about it, when you look at both of their face paintings those two are a lot more alike. "They can take our lives, but they cannot take our Froot Loops! FOLLOW MY NOSE!!!"

Sorry, but when the shows get this bad, I've got to find my own entertainment.

Still, you've got to love how the Doctor can perform in the midst of all of this. Eventually Freya takes him to the lodge to speak to the king. Another speech is given, in the slow breathy tone of the aged king: "I would bid you welcome to my hall, but the days of glad tidings are gone from this place." The Doctor displays his skill in conversation with: "I'm.... sorry to hear that." Picardo puts just the right spin on the line to contrast the king's lament that its worth a chuckle. Unferth gives the same spiel to the Doctor as before, and pulls his sword on him. The Doctor makes himself intangible, and Freya declares him to be the champion they need, since no weapon can harm him. Hilariously, the crowd begin crying "Schweitzer" (the Doctor's chosen name for this adventure) over and over like a champion. Mostly general character stuff happens, which is all well and good, but surrounded by the silliness of this episode, it's like trying to be asked to compliment a fine hat on the head of a clown.

Ah, and now Grendel shows up, and you can bet that when the character stuff ends, the stupidity is about to begin. The doors open and a spaghetti-like glowing thing comes in, and wraps a tendril around the Doctor's arm. Paris transfers the Doctor back, but it seems he's missing most of his arm, and while it makes for good drama and all, truly it makes no actual sense. His arm is controlled by software; whatever happened is affecting his projection at his location, not his actual program itself. Janeway explains that the photonic energy thingie "disrupted your magnetic cohesion." This would be the same magnetic cohesion that the Doctor earlier disabled to allow a sword to pass through him without any ill-effects. *sigh* If you're not going to be consistent in your bullshit physics, don't bother trying, just have Janeway say "I don't know;" Lord knows it's something she should say a bit more often.

Torres is looking at the readings of the tricorder and says that the photonic thing shows signs of synaptic patterns. Janeway suggests they try introducing the patterns into one of the samples to see what happens, and Paris goes to help, because as we've established, he's the only uniformed main character left, and God only knows what would happen if we started bringing in secondary characters to help out - we might wind up with experts in charge instead of a Maquis renegade and a convicted felon trying to figure out how light works. So they put the pattern into the energy field, and a tiny spaghetti thing breaks out and starts flying through the ship, showing signs of a synaptic pattern. Torres puts up a block on three sides, and Paris says that it's going towards the open side. Considering that there are three open sides left (just because this is a two-dimensional show doesn't mean the ship actually is) that's not all that helpful. Tom and Torres soon speculate that maybe those synaptic patterns are a sign of thought processes. What? In a synaptic pattern? Get out! Honestly, even if you don't know that synaptics is related to the chemistry of thought, children in the audience forced to wear protective helmets to avoid self-injury had figured this out already. I mean, wow, these people are so slow on the uptake they make the Hulk look like Sherlock Holmes.

Torres and Tom fill Janeway in on what's going on, and she decides to let the thing go even though it'll punch a hole in the side of the ship on the way out (since it went through the wall without damaging it, this again makes no sense, but then, I suppose the writers just stayed the course). It breaches and the whole ship shakes, which again is rather surprising when you consider that the lifeform is maybe the size of a large cooking pot, but there ya go. The lifeform flies out into space, and a big glowing sphere appears for a second, then vanishes. Janeway and Torres head to Sickbay so that they can hold the conversation with the Doctor instead of Tom. Since this isn't character building, it's the Doctor's turn to play the imbecile while Janeway points out that there are three bioelectrical patterns over in the glowing sphere thing. "What are you suggesting?" says a man who on a moment's notice devised a way to create functioning lungs out of nothing. That there are three missing crewmen, and three bioelectrical patterns means there over there! Of course, "bioelectrical" makes no damn sense for something which is energy based (since there's no electrons for it to be, ya know, electrical) but at this point why bother; logic has already lapped Voyager in this race.

Janeway fills in Torres and the Doctor on what's been going on, since the audience figured it out about half an hour ago. Voyager kidnapped some energy aliens and started experimenting on them, which pissed the aliens off, so they stole some back. "If my people were taken like that, I know what my response would be," Janeway says, and we all know the answer to that: go a-killin'!

By the way, this also was a season 1 TNG plot: we get two retreads in one episode, and all the characters are morons! Hurray! I can go back to hating Voyager again!

Anyway, things finish as expected, pretty much: the Doctor brings back the lifeform in a jar to hopefully convince Grendel to release their people. Unferth shows up, and he and Freya fight, but she gets stabbed and dies in the Doc's arms, saying his name. The Doctor releases the alien to Grendel, the crewmen are released, and the Doctor chooses not to use that name any more because it's too painful... and because of the magic reset button, of course.

Rating: 5

Stupid Neelix Moment: Neelix does not appear, thus earning this episode the +1 bonus from four to five.

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