OVEG: Initiations

Description: We begin with Chakotay giving a log entry while his shuttlecraft flies through space. It seems he's going to be performing one of the made up Star Trek American Indian rites, which requires privacy, so the captain gave him a shuttlecraft. You know, I wasn't aware that space capsules played a large part in the religions of those people native to America. What's going to make this even more silly is that we'll soon see that Voyager is in orbit over a class M planet with away teams exploring the area; what rational reason is there for Chakotay not to beam down to the planet and do it instead of flying far away from everyone else? How much solitude is required that a freaking planet is too small? If they put the nearest person five thousand miles away, I think Chakotay doesn't have to worry about being interrupted. Once again, we can't even get through the log entry without finding something stupid.

So here's Chakotay, sitting cross-legged on the floor of his shuttle while they play that flute music and he plays with the stone. Again, still don't know what the blackbird wing does besides sit there and look American Indian-y, but Chakotay doesn't even turn on the magic psychedelic akoonah matata thing, so I don't know what this is really all about. Maybe he's just taking a day off, like Homer Simpson with the Feast Of Maximum Occupancy, he just made up a religious holiday. Come to think of it, that would explain why he's in the shuttlecraft. "Captain, I can't help you catalogue the three hundred species of dung bettles we've discovered because of this religious ritual I have to do. Yes, it's a very holy day, so holy we don't have a name for it, it's that holy. And it requires a shuttlecraft. And no one coming with me. And two barrels of booze. And a Hawaiian shirt. And one full liter of baby oil. Actually, make it two liters, I think it will be an even holier day than usual."

And then we get to the baddies this episode, and it's the Kazon. As far as villains go, the Kazon remain dull, undeveloped, and unthreatening. So far there have been two encounters, one of which they were more a danger to themselves than to those around them.

Kneebler commentary: Is it just me, or did Voyager set out to just make one ugly race of bad guys after another? Even the Jem'hadar at least looked kind of cool, with their reptilian skin and horn patterns. The Kazons all look like they live out of a van.

Anyway, the Kazons are not happy about the shuttlecraft being in their space, so they decide to send a kid out in a small ship to blow it up. Whatever, these are people the Borg called unremarkable, and those guys actually assimilated Talaxians, so you know their standards are pretty low. That's like being told you're not well-dressed enough to enter the Piggly Wiggly. Anyway, Chakotay's sitting there, thinking about how much he's looking forward to rubbing baby oil on Amelia Earhart, when the ship gets shot. Chakotay, quick to respond to a crisis, carefully folds up his medicine bundle before heading to the controls to deal with the person shooting at him. You know, this is just me talking, but when you're reduced to a cloud of vapor, it really won't matter whether or not your little pile was in order. Chakotay, of course, waits for them to fire again, then hails the ship. We see that it's piloted by Nog, believe it or not (although this is a Kazon Nog). Chakotay offers to leave their space, but Nog says that no one who violates Ogla space may leave, and that he's Chakotay's executioner. For some reason this reminds me of the chicken hawk that was always pestering Foghorn Leghorn.

By the way, we've only now reached the opening credits.

We come back and Chakotay is once again telling the Kazon to stop the fight. Geez, when did he turn into Gandhi; the kid's trying to blow you up, do something ya nimrod. Well, he gets shot again, so he employs one of those incredibly clever Maquis evasion tactics, which involves - hold on to your seats - flying in a gentle loop until he's behind the other ship. That still doesn't do this justice, I mean, this is a maneuver that would be unlikely to work if Stephen Hawkings was flying the Kazon ship, but of course Chakotay comes right out of the loop and on the Kazon's six. Of course, because Chakotay plays by Marquis of Queensbury rules, he still gives a warning and lets the Kazon ship shoot him a couple more times before he finally fires back. That'll teach the Kazon to take on the space Amish. Chakotay beams the unconscious freak on board, but he can't contact Voyager because apparently being shot two or three hundred times managed to actually damage the ship; wow, if only he'd known.

And now we're back to Voyager, and we see Janeway talking to Neelix in her ready room. See, he's pissing and moaning that he wasn't invited to the holodeck defense simulations. Well let me see... you were too frightened to fly into a cloud, ran away from military service in defense of your homeworld, and nearly destroyed Voyager with a lump of cheese... boy, why wouldn't you be on the inside when it comes to the defensive strategies of Voyager? Nevertheless, because Janeway loves to torment her crew, she promises that Neelix will be invited to the next simulation, and for good measure, brings him out onto the bridge to join her. You can just see everyone wondering what the hell they were thinking sticking with this ship of death instead of humping beautiful women on the paradise planet they just left.

Anyway, Voyager goes off to find Chakotay, and we cut back to his ship, where things are a little weird. Specifically, well, I suppose there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just come out with it: we have a religious zealot who has taken a shuttle into the middle of nowhere, alone, and now has kidnapped and tied up a small boy. I don't know if I can ever look at Chakotay the same after this, I mean, this is a new one even by Voyager standards.

Well, before Chakotay breaks out the baby oil the Kazon ship shows up. Chakotay hails them and says he's captured a young Kazon named Kar. In response, the Kazon lock onto them with a tractor beam and pull them inside. Surprisingly, Chakotay tries to escape rather than issuing his standard twenty warnings. They get brought on board and put into the Kazon equivalent of a cell, I guess, which is basically putting them on one side of a room and shouting at them if they cross the imaginary boundary where the bars would be if they could afford some, kind of like the office for Les Nessman on WKRP In Cincinatti.

Here we're introduced to the Kazon culture, which is as engaging as a flatulent hippo. Do you know how tepid and dull it is? I make it a rule to watch every episode twice to make sure I can give the show the full benefit of the doubt, but this time, I simply couldn't press on. Voyager beat me, and I fully admit that, and it felt that way, like a heavy man sitting on my chest and telling me that unless I gave in I'd never breathe again. Not one season one episode could achieve that, because even when they were abysmal, or stupid, or grating, or even offensive, at least there WAS SOMETHING HAPPENING! At least the scenes would finally end and we get to something different, and even though I knew it was going to be something else just as awful, at least I took comfort in knowing it was going to be something different, they were mixing up the badness instead of bowl after heaping bowl of banality. Basically the Kazon are Klingons stripped of anything even remotely interesting. Another group of honor-driven space warriors, ho hum. Let's just call them Klingo'a and be done with it.

Ah, finally, back to Voyager. God help me when I am relieved at the sight of Janeway. The devil you know, and all that. Anyway, they pick up debris which matches the shuttle, and an ion trail leading away. Tom wonders aloud if this means someone blew up Chakotay's shuttle and took off; Janeway quickly rebukes him with "That's speculation, Mr. Paris." Well, yes it is. Why is it when you or Tuvok do it it's brilliant detective work?

And back to the Kazon ship, and the head Kazon shows up and starts talking to Kar. He tells him quietly that he forgives him, causing Kar to weep, and then he kisses him on the lips. Dear God, is there no one in this episode who isn't a pedophile? Anyway, he and Chakotay engage in some more of this pointless Klingo'a crap, and then announces that there will be an execution that night. Ho hum. Anyway, back to Voyager, and Janeway shows up to see Torres running a scientific analysis on the debris because, after all, Torres has a tongue that can run over a woman's body like fine silk. Torres says the ship is definitely not Chakotay's shuttle, but a Kazon vessel. Janeway's so pleased she has Torres pull her top off right there on the spot, then pulls out two specially-modified electric toothbrushes she's been saving for a special occassion.

The head Kazon comes back and he brings, well, I think it's the Kazon special ed class. Chakotay decides to speechify to them for a little while until Kar is brought back. The head Kazon offers a weapon for them to kill Chakotay with, which they all quickly try to grab. When they can't, of course, one begins banging the side of his head while another begins masturbating furiously... well, not really, but it honestly wouldn't have surprised me, or even made the scene any worse for that matter.

Now things get at least somewhat interesting. The head Kazon gives Chakotay a weapon and tells him to kill Kal, and if he does that, he'll be allowed to go free. He doesn't say what will happen if he refuses. It'd be an interesting moral dilemma if a) this wasn't Star Trek, where humans are pure as the wind driven snow, and b) the Kazon weren't dumber than dirt. Because instead of doing either Chakotay turns the weapon on the head Kazon and takes him hostage. Kar, knowing a good trick when he sees it, steals the weapon away from the next in line head of the Kazon, and goes with Chakotay. The shuttle flies off with Chakotay and Kar on board. The Kazon are fighting them and Kar throws some more Klingo'a at Chakotay, but Chakotay says they're going to try to live rather than die fighting. They detect an M-class moon where the Kazon conduct training exercises, which naturally sounds like a good place to land. Chakotay heads towards it at maximum impluse using evasive maneuver omega one, which involves slowly rotating on your axis while flying in a straight line.

Well, the shuttle gets its ass kicked, and Voyager shows up to find some debris from the shuttle that's definite this time. However, despite computer protests, Chakotay and Kar were able to beam down to the planet first. They argue a bit, then Kar saves Chakotay from a proton beam as they go wandering around the bare rock. Back to Voyager and we see that Janeway has had the Doctor scan all the debris for signs of human remains. Hm, I guess even Janeway can see that for something this serious she's got to put it in the hands of someone actually capable. Janeway then asks the group where Chakotay is. Harry and Tuvok say there's an energy pattern in the debris inconsistent with the explosion. Thus, they believe Chakotay transported himself to the nearby moon. "That's speculation, Mr. Tuvok," is what Janeway doesn't say, because as a Vulcan his remarks are always fine detective work.

Anyway, they plan to head down to the moon to go looking for Chakotay, because they can't scan through with all the technobabble fields set up by the Kazon weapons systems. While on the planet, they'll also be unable to communicate with the ship, and thus are potentially stranded, so it's no surprise that Janeway immediately suggests that Kes comes with her. This is just like program 217, right captain, the stranded noble captain and her Ocampa love slave? As the only other Kazon expert, Neelix is to aid Paris in dealing with any Kazon who may show up, whom Neelix actually refers to as "nefarious", thus earning this the Stupid Neelix Moment of this episode.

This whole situation, by the way, is absurd. There's a field in place that you can't scan through and you can't communicate through, but you can transport through even under bad conditions using the little transporter on a small shuttle. And, when faced with this situation, they plan to guess where Chakotay may have beamed to and go to that spot rather than searching from orbit. "Oh, but their sensors can't penetrate the bad field!" Poppycock. Are we saying that there are no cameras on Voyager? Do the Kazon sensors interfere with light? Give me a break. Surely Voyager can start in orbit over that spot and gradually spiral out from that point from air taking pictures rather than going down and wandering about on foot, which is the most absurd of all possible ways to mount such a mission. And really, there were other ways this could have been done. If the Kazon had the area blockaded (it's their training planet after all), then rushing the blockade and beaming a team down before breaking off would have been the only way to do it, with the added element that those that go on the rescue mission are risking being trapped there themselves. Same thing without any kind of technobabble solution in the least.

Down on the planet, Chakotay and Kar get into more of an argument. Things have potential, but just don't quite work. For starters, Chakotay goes on about his Federation uniform. True he was a Federation officer, but he left, yet he feels the urge to cheer about it. And then when Kar talks about having to protect his territory, Chakotay delivers the line that's supposed to just thump him into the ground, which is: "My people taught me a man does not own land." Really... kind of wonder why he and his people didn't just leave the DMZ when the Cardassians took over, huh? Kind of wonder why he decided to become a leader of a group of people fighting to protect his territory. Just so typical, it's a pile of words that means nothing, because whatever terms you use, there is no difference in how they actually act here; whether they "own" the territory or simply refuse to leave it is simply no different, and what makes this symantics argument even sillier is that Kar never brought up the idea of ownership, but of defending his territory. And what bugs the hell out of me is that this could actually have been an excellent point if they'd allowed Chakotay to be flawed, if he'd gone on about the Maquis instead of the Federation, and then have Kar point out that his Maquis ways aren't all that different from the Kazon ways. If Chakotay had done his fighting against the wishes of his people who believed in those ideals he goes on about, it would allow him to perhaps see how he himself was viewed by them. Instead of both trying to learn something from each other, it's about Kar learning from Chakotay, because as the Starfleet character, Chakotay must be in the right.

Oh, and Kar, tries to kill Chakotay in his sleep, but doesn't go through with it. Anyway, back to Voyager, and Neelix takes this opportunity to drop his poorly-dressed ass into the captain's chair, though when the Kazon contact them Paris takes immediate command of the situation. However, Neelix butts in. I suppose the intent is that he's being very clever, but it really doesn't seem that way, besides which, the Kazon are morons anyway - I'm not impressed with outsmarting a species likely to fall for the "got yer nose" bit. Back to Chakotay and Kar, and Chakotay confronts him on the whole trying-to-kill-him-in-his-sleep thing. Then things finally start actually happening, with the Kazon hooking up with Janeway to help finding the missing pair. Ah, but then they betray them by letting the dopes wander into a trap. Looks like Voyager doesn't seem all that bright either.

Anyway, Chakotay cooked up this clever plan of having Kar kill him so he could earn his name, then get beamed up to Voyager and resuscitated. Yeah, it's a perfect plan... given how many goldshirts have died including Tasha Yar on the table, but who am I to stop someone from blasting Chakotay. Besides, we've already seen how effective these guns are against him, he'll probably have to fire six or eight times before Chakotay's in trouble... which is perfect for Chakotay actually, since, he can issue his warnings the entire time. "OW! I should warn you that OW! this can be taken OW! as a sign of hostile intent OW! and I may OW! respond with force OW! if you don't OW! stop killing me." However, Kar decides to pull some last Klingo'a on us and shoots the head Kazon. Now the second in command gets promoted and Kar earns his name, and everyone leaves. Oh, and it's back to the stupid ritual again.... which I guess can be done on Voyager after all, since the plot no longer requires it. Still, wasn't that bad, they only lost a shuttlecraft. They can't replace it, of course, but then, I'm sure they'll be more careful to make sure they don't lose another one.

Rating: 2

Burn, Baby, Burn: One shuttlecraft lost, shot down by Kazon.

Lazarus of the Week: Chakotay receives an honorable mention for planning to die and come back.

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