OVEG: Threshold

Forward: I've been waiting for you, Threshold. We meet again at last. The circle is now complete - when I left you I was a but a learner, now I am the master.

I honestly hadn't thought that any Voyager episode could get worse than Twisted, the first episode to earn the coveted 1 for a rating. It was a disaster, as stupid as it was hackneyed. Surely nothing could be worse. Oh, sometimes I look back on the naivette of youth... before I saw Threshold. There had been joy in my life then, even hope for a better tomorrow. There's no small irony in the fact that an episode that so badly mangles evolution manages to be the single best argument against a loving God.

When I finished watching this episode, I had to resist the urge to weep. Because I knew that I would have to watch it again for this review. There was a small part of me that wanted to wave the white flag and admit that I had been bested, nay, broken. But for this site to not include Threshold would be like doing a Nixon biography and leaving out Watergate. I mean, this is not only the worst Voyager episode there was, it was arguably the worst episode to bear the Star Trek name. When Agony Booth did their Worst Of Trek run, this was their sole Voyager entry (presumably because you can't really deal with 30 episodes tied for second worst), and one they kept alluding to for years. Why does this one stand out? I know many are going to hate this answer, but the reason is because this is what Voyager has been doing all this time, just exaggerated. What's more, it's really only a slight exaggeration. Cliches, points that go nowhere, pointless technobabble, improper science, complete logical disconnect - none of this is new. If anything, I'd say this episode is probably the flagship of the first two seasons of Voyager, it is a perfect example of how they take care of business here, just with the polish stripped away... it's like those glasses in John Carpenter's They Live that lets you finally see things as they are. I have used the kid gloves up until now for our much beloved writer. For this one, however, those gloves are off, and the brass knuckles are on, so a couple things before we get started:

Why is writing over a hundred Trek episodes considered a badge of honor, given that the critical acclaim exists in numbers so small as to be only theoretical?

What the hell kind of name is "Brannon" anyway? Sounds like a high fiber yogurt.

Description: Okay, that off my chest, let's start. The episode begins with Tom in a shuttle, counting out warp numbers, which is just as gripping as Twisted with their number counting scene in Engineering. Apparently his chair is mounted on a spring because he starts bouncing all over the place as things go on, and then things are starting to fail, sparks and- They're in a holodeck. Are you surprised? I'm not. They do this shit all the time; hell they actually got me in Alliances because I thought for sure that was a holodeck or dream sequence, they do it so much. Nope, but here, yeah. Tom is left there, sitting on the floor of the holodeck, looking like a boy who got nothing for Christmas.

Next scene is in the mess hall, with Torres, Harry, and Tom discussing the whole thing. Neelix, naturally, butts in, neglecting the only f*cking job he has on the ship to advise them on their problem. Torres decides she'll rifle through the kitchen to try to find something to eat since Neelix can't be bothered. They try politely telling him that he's an imbecile, but Neelix rebuffs them, saying he's well-versed in warp theory. Of course, since he also claims to be a survival expert yet is horrified at the thought of eating bugs, I'll just add that to the long list of self-delusions he possesses, like being a masterful cook and worthy of being alive. Finally, Harry explains that they're trying to reach Warp 10, a theoretical impossibility, because it would mean infinite velocity. "Infinite velocity," Neelix says. "Got it. So that means very fast." Christ, much as I like to joke, even I don't think Neelix is so damn stupid not to realize what "infinity" means. And really, if Neelix were to say that, it should have been a sign to pack up the PADDs and head somewhere else, because if he can't get "infinite velocity" he's not getting "multi-spectral subspace engine design." Tom explains the point further by saying that if you reached warp 10 you'd occupy every point in the universe simultaneously. This results in a complex condition known as "death." Normally I'd have some fun with this, but honestly, if I stop and point out all the stupidness of this episode we'll be here all day.

This next point, however, I simply can't pass up on. Tom explains the reason for their work: "We discovered a new form of dilithium in the asteroid field we surveyed last month. It remains stable at a much higher warp frequency." Uh huh. And what the hell does that have to do with anything? Remember that what Harry said was that Warp 10 is a theoretical impossibility; that means that according to all known science that it's impossible to be achieved. Here, let me show you using my TNG Tech Manual (shut up):

ludicrous speed

This is obviously made up physics that isn't to be taken seriously, but it helps explain why Tom's explanation is horribly flawed not from a scientific view (fictional or otherwise), but from a logical view. See where it says "Power usage approaches infinity"? That's why it's a theoretical impossibility, because you'd need infinite energy (And no, Neelix, we don't mean "lots of energy") to reach Warp 10. Now see the spot that says "Maximum safe speed"? That's a reference to the mechanics of the ship itself; in this case, the ship is not capable of safely passing Warp 9.1. What Tom describes is completely backwards - it doesn't address the issue of having infinite power (the blue curve), it addresses mechanical limitations (the black line). What he's saying is pretty much the same as an auto designer saying, "A car faster than light-speed? Maybe if we get the right fuel mixture..."

So, Harry explains that despite their super-dilithium the nacelles keep getting torn off the ship when they simulate crossing the threshold. Hey, here's a question: how the hell do you simulate a theoretical impossibility? The computer won't know how the simulation is supposed to work, because if it knew it wouldn't be a theoretical impossiblity! Well, Neelix is always willing to follow anything up with a stupid story, so he does so here, telling of how he once lost a nacelle. However, this prompts Tom to ask, "What if the nacelles aren't being torn from the ship? What if the ship is being torn from the nacelles?" Yeah, and you got your peanut butter in my chocolate! Who cares, it's all the same thing anyway. Much like the whole cup moving thing in Cold Fire, this effort to sound clever and inspired falls flat on its ass, much like Tom did.

Anyway, Tom and Harry spew out another stream of technobabble (complete with depolarizations, another much loved word), and Tom gets up and, per all hackneye rules of such situations, declares Neelix a genius. Yeah, a regular Neils Bore. Anyway, we see a recording of Tom performing the simulation and it's... disturbing. He's bouncing in his chair, grinning and making weird faces while he rattles numbers off. I hate to say it, but I think he's f*cking the shuttle. Given what he does in Alice, I think there's no doubt. And I wish Agony Booth hadn't come out with their review first, because when Torres says, "You've crossed the threshold, you've done it!" my first thought too was that she sounded just like she was in a video game. "You've done it, Tom, but our princess is in another castle!"

Turns out they're watching the recording in the magic meeting room, so Janeway gives a speech and then asks what the plan is for the manned flight. Tom explains: "The second I cross the threshold, I'll cut the engines, drop out of warp and come about." If you're occupying every point in the universe, why would you have to turn around? "After that," Harry adds, "we'll analyse the shuttle's sensor logs. Once we know it's safe to travel at transwarp, we'll try a more extended flight." And if we find out it isn't safe, we'll mop out the shuttle and pick another volunteer. Janeway praises Tom, that if it works he'll be joining an elite group of pilots: Orville Wright, Neil Armstrong, Zefram Cochrane. Yeah, screw you Yuri Gagarin, you pinko symbol of Soviet despotism!

Well, next scene, and keeping with our Star Trek: After Dark theme here, we see Tom in a blue bathrobe when Janeway shows up. She takes a seat and gets into serious Janeway mode, because the Doctor thinks Harry should do the shuttle mission instead of Tom. Not for any medical reason, just because he likes making Tom miserable. Tom's got some kind of imbalance in his brain (after all, he's a part of this crew, it comes with the territory). "I know it doesn't sound like much, but he can't predict what'll happen when you cross the threshold." Of course he can't, it's a theoretical goddamn impossibility! But that doesn't stop them from making wild guesses, so he guesses there's a two percent possibility that Tom will have a brain haemorrhage when it happens. So there's a 98% chance of success, which incidentally, is just a little less than the odds of a successful flight in the space shuttle, so naturally Tom takes umbrage at this. He delivers The Speech: "When I was a boy, my father used to tell me that I was special, that one day I'd do something significant. My teachers at school, all the kids, everyone used to say 'Tom Paris is going to do something important when he grows up.'" He will bring balance to the Force and destroy the Sith menace once and for all! Finally, since you can't say no to a story that starts "When I was a boy," Janeway let's him fly the shuttle. I wonder if the Doctor didn't say anything, and she just felt like yanking his chain. "Hmm, 2200 hours, think I'll see what Tom's wearing then mess with his head for a while. Then I'll go put a snake in Harry's bed; his shrieks always help me sleep better."

By the way, you know what's pathetic? This is probably the first time this season McNeill has a chance to do some range with his acting, and it's wasted on this piece of crap. I mean, he knows all he ever gets are the post-viewscreen one liners, so you can tell he's putting a lot into this. And is this what people will remember of this episode? Hell no.

And now it's time for the big launch. I don't know for certain that they were trying to do a Trek version of Apollo 13 (minus the disaster) which had come out the summer before this episode was broadcast, but it feels like they were trying for that vibe. Torres and Carth Onasi are sitting at this desk, the shot framed so that it looks like mission control, and check out this sequence:

TORRES: Torres to Bridge. The pre-launch sequence is complete, Captain.
JANEWAY: Acknowledged. Ensign Kim, depressurize the shuttle bay and open the space doors.
KIM: Aye, Captain.
JANEWAY: Bridge to Shuttlecraft Cochrane. You're cleared for launch.

Do you actually have to tell Harry to depressurize the shuttle bay? Isn't that standard procedure? All this stuff is really old hat to them, they haven't built a brand new from spec shuttle for this or anything, just modified an existing one. You can't make space travel old hat on one hand and treat it like a pioneering moment in the other, it just doesn't work that way. They try so hard, too, with the generic The Right Stuff atmospheric music playing, but this is just a frickin' launch; hell, it was more dramatic when Seven of Nine did it through a closed door.

And when you get down to it, the whole thing should have been one line: "Prepare ship for ludicrous speed!"

Anyway, Tom starts calling out the numbers of his warp speed again (which the way they're spaced indicates the ship is accelerating exponentially), and Tom starts getting his freak on with the shuttle again. Tom passes the threshold and reaches Warp 10, a dramatic moment indicated by a humming sound... I guess travel at infinite velocity isn't as cool as you might think. Tom and the shuttle soon vanish however... I, um, I guess even when you're traveling at infinite speed you might need a little time before you hit, um, I don't know... infinity plus one? Harry scans everywhere and can't find him, announcing dramatically that he's gone. At infinite speed? No! Who would have thought that?

Anyway, they conclude Paris probably didn't blow himself up, so Harry announces that Tom could be anywhere in the universe right now. Yeah, that's the problem with infinite speed, jackasses. How about if you limit yourselves to real numbers, just enough to actually get yourselves home? After all, Tom was clearly accelerating to infinite speed (even though that itself makes this the stupidest things said in Voyager so far, although the episode isn't over yet so we'll see more competition). Well, anyway, the shuttle comes back and Tom's knocked out cold, so they beam him to Sickbay.

After waking up, Tom talks about his experience of occupying every point in the universe at once... yup, sure you were, now eat your Jell-O. He says that he saw that they were looking for him and took the engines off line, winding up back where he started. Uh huh. Look, Tom, any time you want to start making sense, you have my number, 'kay?

So while Tom's getting medical tests from the Doctor (Really? Whatever for? It's not as if he's babbling nonsense or anything.) they start downloading the logs from the shuttle. It describes in detail all the information about this sector, which you can certainly imagine considering it's been everywhere in the universe... wait, what? Well, apparently Janeway and Torres aren't phased by this; after all, it's not the first time some monumentally stupid plot device has dumped a huge amount of data into their computer. And with that out of the way, it's up to the mess hall so we can see more of Neelix... Lord knows we can't get enough of that. He's made a new coffee blend called Paris Delight, which Tom meets with the expected level of enthusiasm - none. And then, the coffee tastes bad, but only to Tom! Dun dun dun!!! Dear God, when is Rod Serling going to walk into frame?!

A little while later, Tom starts to spaz a little, then falls out of his chair. He has veins on his head now, which is the official Star Trek code for "this poor bastard is in for a horribly-painful transformation and/or death." Seriously, if you're ever in a Star Trek episode and see this happening to yourself, turn your phaser on yourself. If you're on Voyager, I wouldn't bother waiting for the veins. They get him to Sickbay, and it turns out Tom's having an allergic reaction... to water. I'm going to actually decline comment on this, because as illogical as it sounds there are supposedly cases of people having an allergy to water (though I believe that's a reaction in the skin rather than drinking it); Loretta King of Ed Wood's Bride of the Monster is supposedly allergic to water. Also, this episode is like the Airplane of stupid; if you miss one, just wait a moment and some new bit of stupid will appear. It seems that Tom's biochemistry is transforming, and he soon begins gasping like Dick Cheney on the last leg of a ten mile run. The Doctor slowly leaps into action, and when he finally diagnoses the problem he takes even longer to do something about it; what's worse is that Tom's lungs have stopped working. No pressure, Doc, but you may want to pick up the pace a little. Incidentally, you know an episode is bad when I comment on Picardo's performance.

So, the Doctor isolates Tom with a forcefield and replaces all the air with a mix of nitrogen and acid dichloride. Tom can breathe it just fine, though how the Doctor was able to pluck that one out of thin air in seconds is beyond me. Or maybe he was attempting a bizarre mercy killing and lucked into something that'd save Tom's life. At the same time, it seems Tom's cell membranes are breaking down... yucka. The Doctor turns to Torres and barks, "I need to know more about what happened on that shuttle, and I need to know it now!" Ah, he's back. Maybe someone was using too much memory or something, I know my 360 does that when Elder Scrolls IV is trying to load a new area while I'm riding a horse. Hey B'ellana, try opening the drive and blowing on the disk, it may help!

Incidentally, with Tom dying, you can understand why his best friend, Harry Kim, will never be shown to come and visit him or do anything to show that this bothers him in the least. Nope, sorry Garrett, you get to stand on the bridge and speak status reports, same as most episodes.

So, now the medical drama unfolds as Kes starts looking things over. Tom laments that he's dying. "Here lies Thomas Eugene Paris, beloved mutant," he states for his epitaph, but it's not going to happen. Nobody loves you, Tom. If they did, they'd probably actually show some interest in your condition - even Neelix was surrounded by crowds, and he looks like something you find in the bottom of the vegetable crisper. They try irradiating him, because you never know, he just might develop super powers. He doesn't, he just starts waxing on about his funeral and crying. "What I remember most about being a kid are the times I spent in my room crying." Yeah, twenty years later, nothing's changed, huh? Doc, do the viewers a favor and sedate him, he's just rambling now. Where's the off-button hypospray?

"Kiss me!" Tom finally shouts. As expected, the scene is framed so we all think he's talking to the Doctor, but he really means Kes. Yeah, I don't think she's putting her lips on your big veiny face any time soon. Finally he f*cking dies, and there's the usual putting of a thing on his head and he jerks like they were heart paddles, but he flatlines. The gas is removed and the force field lowered, so that Kes can come and kiss him. Those elves are real necrophiliacs.

Incidentally, the Doctor tells Kes that they'll need to perform an autopsy in the morning. Um, why the wait, you have a tee off scheduled? While autopsies can be performed any time after death, it's well-known that you should perform one as soon as possible, because the process of decay has already begun. In a case like Tom's, where there's absolutely no idea what's happened, you'd want to take every step to figure out what happened - if he's been contaminated with something, it could spread. But, of course, if the Doctor performed an autopsy right away, then we wouldn't have what happens next. Once again, logic is cast aside because the script demands it.

What happens next is that Tom ressurects himself. Apparently dying was just a minor setback in this case. This is a first - we've had characters return from the dead, but always due to some kind of outside help; Tom is the first to resurrect himself, moving from the Lazarus of the Week to Jesus of the Week. Incidentally, in case anyone was saying the autopsy thing wasn't a mistake because Tom was in stasis, this proves that he wasn't (since anything that stopped the processes of death would stop the process bringing him back to life). And whatever brought him back not only got him to start breathing oxygen again, but it gave him an extra heart. Hmm, traveling to any point in space, has two hearts, all he needs now is a scarf and a police box.

"What's happening?" Tom asks as he pulls a handful of hair out of his head. I guess we'll never know, since we can't do an autopsy now, ya jerk. Way to ruin everything!

Oh God, and I forgot, we have the Carth Onasi story. He sends all the info on the flight and Tom's condition to the Kazon, for all the good that'll do. This is the Voyager idea of a story arc: devote twenty seconds to something in a couple of episodes.

Back in sickbay, the Doc is explaining the situation. Tom's DNA is re-writing itself, one of Braga's usual fallback positions (see TNG's Genesis). He lists a bunch of crap about Tom's body changing with more stuff like the two hearts, and his mind is being affected too, he tells Janeway. "There are moments of lucidity interspersed with almost deranged behaviour." Yes, but enough about her, what about Tom? Anyway, Janeway talks to Paris, and he quickly begins ranting, saying this might be the best thing that's ever happened to him. Poor McNeill is in this horrible full head makeup job for this crappy scene, and what's worse is that the makeup is completely undermining his attempts to act. You see, while he's pouring his heart out, the sides of his head are inflating and deflating, resulting in something that is so absurdly disgusting it's unwittingly hilarious. Just when you think it can't get any worse, Tom coughes up his own tongue and spits it out in his hand, at which point we needed to pause to allow time for everyone to recover. As I've said before, Voyager has a knack for its drama provoking laughter.

Incidentally, the tongue thing hasn't helped matters. Tom is still talking like crazy, except now he sounds like he needs to ride the short starship to school. You can also clearly see his tongue in his mouth while he's talking; I don't mean this as a nitpick, I mean the way the makeup is I couldn't help but see it while he's talking. Rather undermines the seriousness of this. Anyway, in the long, rambling speech, Tom says that he wants to leave the ship for some damn reason that's never explained, but then, why start now?

Well, it's time for the technobabble solution to the technobabble problem. The Doc essentially plans to kill all of Tom's bad DNA and the good DNA should then take all their places, which doesn't even imitate a good idea. The way to do this: anti-protons! (those suckers do everything!) Um, why would that work? No time for that, we've got more idiocy coming up. They make up what looks to be an iron lung lined with eggshell foam and stick it next to the warp core. At this point Tom looks like a lizard man. Kes informs the Doctor that even though the old DNA is going away, the new stuff isn't taking over - proving, I guess, that science didn't read the script.

And then we have the most pathetic fight in Voyager as Tom breaks out of his iron lung - pathetic because it all happens out of range of the camera. It's just like what you do when you're trying to make a movie with your home video camera and nobody has any idea how to fake fight. Apparently Tom won the fight, though, stole a phaser, and shot part of the warp core. Wow, sounds dramatic and exciting, I'm sure glad we weren't allowed to see it. Tom then ambushes Janeway and knocks her out, brings her onto the shuttle, and goes to transwarp. That can take them anywhere in the universe, so naturally they wind up three days away by Voyager's speed. The cosmic equivalent of "think global, act local" I guess.

And now, we hit the creme de le creme of scientific stupidity. The Doctor announces that the mutations happening to Tom were natural - that he wasn't exactly mutating, he was evolving. He said this is the way the human genome has been developing and where it will ultimately end up, and that "The only difference between natural evolution and what happened to Mister Paris is that his changes took place over a 24-hour period." Now, I don't care who wrote this episode, this must be stated: you, sir, are an idiot. That it turns out to be Braga has nothing to do with that; if you actually say this with a straight face, you know nothing about what you're talking about. I will expound on this in my commentary later so that we can finish out the episode, because there is so much to say on this.

So, they find the planet, and just when you think things can't get worse, they do. Tom and Janeway have both turned into giant newts (and considering her spirit guide is a newt... I don't even have a comment on that, it's just so goddamn weird). What's more, they have mated, as three little babies emerge and scurry off into the water accompanied by bad special effects. Wait, so we have a twenty-four hour change, so that means that in two days they mated, gestated, gave birth, and the triplets developed to the point of personal locomotion? Was there any thought to this episode?

As the log states, the Doc is magically able to completely reverse the transformation with absolutely no ill effects at all. Boy, when I think that Nog lost a leg, or Worf needed an emergency procedure to walk again, but you can turn into a completely different species and come back unharmed, I just want to start slapping people. And let's take this to its logical conclusion: if it's so damn easy to reverse the process, then why didn't they use transwarp to get home? Since the only negative is a condition that you have a total cure for with no side effects, then why not do it? Many times they've been thwarted in their attempts to get home, but this is the first time that they have the means and just choose to ignore it.

The Doctor gives the good news to Janeway while she stares at Tom with a look that says, "You f*cking date rapist." However, she soon walks over and is smiling at Tom, so it must've been pretty good, I guess. There's some very uncomfortable banter that finishes out the episode, but I'm not even going to bother with it. Threshold has come, finally, to the end, and my pledge to my poor brain is that, having seen it twice now, I will never subject it to this episode again while sober.

Comments: I want to talk about the entire idea that somehow Tom was evolving. The number of problems this presents is so astounding, it's hard to imagine how this script possibly got out the door without somebody speaking up at some point. First off, individuals do not evolve; evolution is a species-wide activity, not something that happens to individuals. Ancient weaponry has evolved into what we now use, but it would be absurd to think that it would be possible to take an Egyptian chariot and with a little razmataz have it transform into a Sherman tank. That's because the change is gradual, with the actual chariot eventually being lost, and as the military development goes on, all chariots are eventually rendered obsolete, but the individual chariots don't suddenly change. Life is not like Sid Meier's Civilization, where you can sink some money into it to cause your horsemen to become assault helicopters.

But even leaving that aside and presuming for a moment that somehow Tom Paris as an individual could evolve, it would simply mean that he would be better suited to survive in his current environment, which in this case is Voyager. This would probably mean enhanced reflexes and agility to avoid accidents, perhaps a greater resistance to disease, an ability to digest Neelix's cooking, etc. He wouldn't be unable to breathe the air... without breathing, he'd die. That's the opposite of evolution; he's actually less suited to his environment than he was before. This really hits the crux of the entire issue, that this is the way humanity is already evolving based upon the direction of the human genome. Evolution is based upon becoming more adapted to your environment, even in the face of change; you don't simply evolve for its own sake. If a change would make you less suited to survive, you're not evolving. Thus what is going to dictate the change is going to be the interaction with the world around you. There's no possible way your DNA can know what the environment for maximum survival is going to be, that's simply absurd. If that would be the case, why not make the change now? Once you endow DNA with magical properties, nothing is truly absurd. Maybe you can cure genetic defects just by thinking really hard.

Now that we've looked at how stupid that was, let's still assume that that bit of stupidity were plausible, that somehow DNA would know the best way to evolve. Tom is breathing an atmosphere that doesn't exist on Earth. So the position is that we are evolving in a direction in which survival on Earth is impossible. Since by definition you do not evolve into extinction, this could only mean that not only does DNA know the best way to survive, but can even somehow predict that some kind of catastrophe will eventually take place that will require us to breathe in an entirely new way... indeed, when you get down to it, our entire way of storing energy (Krebs cycle) depends upon what we breathe, so it really means our cells aren't going to be anything even close to what they are now, because they've got to store energy in whole new ways. And our DNA somehow knows this is all going to happen and be required... wow, we dodged a bullet there.

We see the final form that man is evolving towards, and... and words fail me. That anyone could even think that this is where humans are evolving shows that there's no minimum IQ requirement to writing a Voyager script. Humans lost tails... only to regrow them. Humans rose up to walk erect... only to become crawling quadrepeds. Humans developed tool-using hands... only to lose opposable digits altogether. And there's so many idiotic things, like the insanely rapid reproduction, and why these mammals don't have mammary glands (no one's feeding the young)? The idea that humans are naturally developing in this direction is too stupid for words.

Rating: 0

Lazarus of the Week: Tom Paris, whose mutation proved lethal, but it turned out it was only a mild case of death and he was able to kick it on his own.

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