OVEG: Investigations

Description: You know, I want to like this episode. Continuing subplots is something I'd like to see a bit more of from Trek, some sign that they're not convinced that the audience is so stupid they can't come into a series in the middle and not freak out unless it's written to the lowest common denominator. But it's not just enough to have them, they have to actually work. Investigations is the culmination of the plot introduced in Jeri Taylor's Alliances and ends with this Jeri Taylor scripted episode. The payoff is less than satisfying.

There's an amusing colission of circumstances with this review. I recently acquired Season 6 of 24, a show that really is everything Voyager isn't. Long subplots are the norm, characters make mistakes that cost lives, they are often Machiavellian, and the action is actually intense rather than cut to CGI, cut back to shaky camera. I made the mistake of juxtoposing those two programs - after finishing off the second disk I popped in this episode, and it was like night and day between them. This episode, the one we've been building too, was slow and plodding, punctuated with plot conveniences and dull action bits. When there's a spy on 24, good people die. When there's a spy on Voyager, things will be broken for five minutes.

The episode opens with the program, A Briefing With Neelix, Neelix's talk show. He rambles on for a couple of minutes about how great his show is going to be, promising all the wonderful things we'll see. Naturally, we don't actually see any of them - the last thing they'd need is Neelix's show turning out to be better than the real thing. I must say, however, that I'm impressed: I never thought Voyager was so cheap they would have a man juggling off screen. How stretched is the budget that you can't afford an actual juggler, that you can only allude to jugglers who are offscreen? This ranks right up there with the Threshold offscreen fist fight just a few episodes ago. It's really hard for me to even make fun of anything that doesn't even try to take itself seriously. What's worse is that it supposedly is trying. It's trying me, anyway.

Anyway, we see Neelix now showing his program to the Doctor, hoping he'll be a regular contributor with helpful medical tips. At first the Doctor is dismissive, but Neelix pumps him up, telling him that he'll gain the respect of the crew through this. Like I've said in previous reviews, the hardest part of a Neelix-centric episode is to pick out the stupid Neelix moment, and this almost wins the prize. Neelix goes out of his way to sell the Doctor on this, only to spend the entire rest of the episode dismissing him whenever Doc tries to get a segment put on. What a jerk; better hope you don't lose another organ any time soon. Having the most likable character used as a footstool by the least likable is pretty much typical Voyager - we're not doing our job unless the audience is switching the channel.

With that out of the way, Neelix ambushes Harry, hoping to get some props for his show. I mean get props like in a pat on the back, not props like inanimate objects, a distinction I need to make when it comes to Harry the human prop. Harry lets him down, however, by saying the show was all frosting, that there was no substance to it. By way of example, he talks about when he was editor of the Academy newspaper and did an editorial on the Maquis without his professors' permission, which stirred discussion and debate. Neelix, like most really dumb television characters, immediately imprints on this idea and decides he is a serious journalist. Please, there is nothing about Neelix that can be taken seriously.

After that (as if the teaser weren't long enough already) Neelix gets a transmission from another Talaxian. Turns out someone on the ship is leaving to join the Talaxian fleet. I'm sure we'll all be surprised at who that turns out to be. Frankly, I can't see any problem on Voyager being worth that change. Sure, you may face death at the whim of your mad leader on a daily basis, the possibility of Kazon capture and torture, and the indignity of answer to the hormonal, inexperienced, or stupid, but to trade that for an entire ship full of Neelixes? I think that's a special level of hell Dante left out for being too grim to talk about. Anyway, Janeway and Tuvok tell Neelix that it's Tom Paris, who left because of his personal problems. Neelix goes to see Tom, probably thinking that a few minutes with a Talaxian will make him change his mind about living with a shipful of them. Neelix wonders aloud to Tom if it has anything to do with him - did they put their problems behind them? What problems, besides the fact that you snapped and began choking him in front of a roomful of people because of your jealous rage? Well, the episode plods on, so that we get drilled into our heads that Tom Paris is a loner that had no chance of fitting in here. It ends with one of those awful Talaxian hugs, wherin Neelix shoves his head into another man's chest, an image that's not entirely vomit-inducing.

Neelix goes off and performs the segment for the next day. As I've said before, I give credit where it's due, so I'll reiterate that Ethan Philips does know what acting is, and Jeri Taylor can write well, so Neelix's sendoff for Tom is well done. "Like a lot of people, I was too caught up in first impressions to see the truth that was right in front of me. I overlooked his bravery because I was focusing on his brashness. I ignored his courage because I saw it as arrogance. And I resented his friendliness because I mistook it for licentiousness. So while this man was giving us his best every minute of every day, I was busy judging him." It is a good summary of his character and the way MacNeill caries himself in the role.

And with that, we're back to the plot of Michael Jonas, aka Carth Onasi, played by veteran character actor Raphael Sbarge. Sbarge, coincidentally, also appeared in Season 6 of 24, much to my amusement, where he was at ground zero of a nuke. You may also recognize his voice as that of Kaidan Alenko from Mass Effect, an engineer with biotic abilities. Hmm, coincidence? Anyway, in the previous episode Jonas had been told by Seska to mess with the magnetic constrictors on the warp core, which he's apparently done because it's mentioned in the briefing being a problem. Jonas interrupts to tell Torres that things are getting worse. This requires quick action, so Neelix decides to stop her from leaving so he can ask if he can come and watch the core melt down and kill them all while he gets in their way. See what you've done, Harry?

They get down to Engineering and Jonas is on top of things. He suggests venting plasma, but that will damage the nacelles. Well, there's a power problem because the lights dim from the normal effect to a low blue light, because Lord knows you're going to want the right ambience rather than adequate vision while trying to stop the ship from exploding. A console then explodes, injuring Jonas while Torres vents the plasma. None of this makes any sense, like why the console would blow if the problem's in the warp core, or why there's apparently harmless fog rolling through engineering. I don't know, all I can think is that this special effects money being thrown about for this nonsense could have paid for a really, really good juggler.

Three people have been injured, suffering second degree burns. As anyone who's ever been in or near a burn ward will tell you, it's no surprise they're quiet as lambs, because burns aren't painful at all. Jonas is a real trooper, with second degree burns on his face and just looking around at everyone like it was every day he stuck his head in a deep frier. Neelix tries interviewing Jonas, but gets called to the bridge to discuss rebuilding the nacelles. This leads to another technobabble exchange, but this is so full of garbage I'm surprised it's not a Torres episode.

CHAKOTAY: [The warp coils are] made from a substance known as verterium cortenide. Do you know where we can find a source?

NEELIX: Verterium cortenide, if I'm not mistaken, that's a densified composite material.

TORRES: That's right. It's composed of polysilicate verterium and monocrystal cortenum.

These substances are completely made up, naturally, so it's no surprise that although science has never heard of them the stuff is getting pulled out of the ground in heaps on a nearby planet Neelix knows about. This is the same planet Seska spoke of in the last episode, so as we can see the trap is sprung. But before they can finish patting Neelix on the back, a message comes in from the Talaxian ship. Turns out the Kazon attacked it just to kidnap Tom. We see him a moment later on the Kazon ship talking to Seska. Seska doesn't want him for anything in particular, this is just standard villainy at work. She says she doesn't trust him, so naturally she keeps him in a room with an unlocked computer for him to rummage in. Now, I know what you're thinking: there's no way the Kazon could be that dumb. However, remember that we've seen in two episodes now that a Kazon prison is just a line drawn on the floor you're told not to cross, so this is really not that surprising for them.

Neelix, meanwhile, is wondering what's going on with Tom. It doesn't make sense that the Kazon would plan that strike just to get Tom, because there'd be no way for them to know about him. So, he decides he's got to continue the detective story. And that folks, right there, is probably the reason this episode flops so badly. When I think of a Voyager crew member trying to solve a detective story, Neelix is at the bottom of the list. I can't imagine how this got anywhere: "Let's do a multi-episode story arc about subterfuge and backstabbing, and we'll have the climax to it all revolve around Neelix." "Brilliant! Let's put more Talaxians in it too!"

Of course, Neelix decides the best thing to do is go down and bug everyone in engineering since they're only trying to ready the ship to completely rebuild the broken nacelles. Torres finally gives him the communication logs, if only to shut him up, but Neelix can't find anything so far. Jonas happens to be the only one on duty once Torres and her team leave to check on the magnetic constrictors, so Neelix starts pestering him. Little does he know the one he's asking for ideas on how to avoid detection when sending a message has been sending those messages, and we see Jonas getting nervous. He gets out a plasma cutter to kill Neelix, a move that might require some explaining, but probably not much. If I'd been spending all that time trying to fix something, have it literally blow up in my face, then keep getting interrupted by hedgehog here, I might have a little temporary insanity take over. Given that Tuvok did the same thing, it'd be hard for anyone to argue against that, would it?

Unfortunately for Jonas and for us, the Doctor interrupts before Jonas can kill him. Neelix then goes to Tuvok to give him the information, and Tuvok finally says he will investigate. Neelix says he'll help, but Tuvok says he needs to leave it in his hands, that if Neelix continues he puts himself and others at risk. As we all know, Neelix is a shithead, so he decides his investigation is more important, and decides to continue. While the issue of Freedom of the Press is important, this is also a military ship, which I'm pretty sure means you can't go poking around without permission. Incidentally, the way Neelix mumbles to himself as he leaves makes it clear this is pretty much all about him being a journalist and him showing up Tuvok, rather than trying to find out who could be a traitor among them. What a jerk, but we still haven't reached the stupid Neelix moment, so keep reading.

So, Neelix goes down to engineering to pester Torres some more, so she finally passes him off on Hogan, presumably the most useless member of her team. Hogan looks them over and finds that he can't restore the missing logs because they never went through the systems comm system in the first place - they went out in the waste energy of the ship so they'd be undetectable. They get a ship section, so Neelix runs off, talking about how he'll go through everyone's rooms one by one until he finds that console. Right, because as a journalist, he should be able to violate the privacy of everyone on board to get his little story... and we still haven't gotten to the stupid Neelix moment. So we see Neelix poking about in Tom's former quarters, trying to activate the monitor. It's locked however, but Neelix uses the Engineering Omega 47 override to get in. What?! This boggles the mind! Does the system not bother checking whether or not someone is a member of engineering to use that code, so that anyone can just hack anything? Or has Neelix been specifically cleared to have this? Let me tell you, if you give the security code overrides to the f*cking cook, what's the point of even having locks at all?! Christ, I cannot get over this... why is Tom's advanced interface system less secure than a flipping e-machine?! One greek letter and two numbers... that's not even a password, that's half a password. No wonder Seska could break their access codes without breaking a sweat.

God, this show sucks.

Anyway, we now reach the stupid Neelix moment. Neelix goes on his program and announces that Tom has been sending secret transmissions to the Kazon. This is hard to top. He violates a crew member's privacy through an illegal search, sees incriminating evidence, and instead of finding corroborating evidence, he instead goes ahead with his story, thus besmirching the good name of an innocent man. What's more, as we're about to find out, not only is Tom innocent, but his entire behavior has been a ruse to try to get into a position of finding out who the spy was. Neelix has publicly smeared a man risking his life to do this job properly. This isn't the same as nearly destroying Voyager with cheese, but it's up there.

Anyway, Janeway is pissed and calls a meeting of her, Tuvok, Chakotay, and Neelix. It turns out that when Tuvok performed the investigation, the signal traces Neelix used didn't exist, which means someone planted them to lure him into a trap. She reveals to them that Tuvok had figured out that there was a spy weeks ago (suck on that, Neelix) but all their efforts turned up empty. So they put together this plan to get Tom off the ship and into the hands of the Kazon. Problem is, that's a pretty damn stupid plan. It all hinges on the Kazon wanting Paris and using him as an ally, when they could just as easily have ignored him, or stopped him through the complicated means of locking their computer. Then again, maybe in the future everybody's security sucks.

Chakotay, by the way, is pretty pissed, and Janeway's smirking probably isn't helping.

Well, Janeway decides to take advantage of Neelix's idiocy, and sends him off to try to make the spy nervous. His obvious blundering about might drive the spy to try something rash. Chakotay points out that it might be to kill Neelix, thus showing this is a win-win situation. Back on the Kazon ship, Tom is going about this with their Plan A, and finds out who the spy is just as Seska and the Kazon show up. They grab Tom, but his computer security override thingy doubles as a bomb, so he uses that to grab a weapon and run. Out in the hall another Kazon grabs him, and there's a long, feverish struggle by Voyager standards. It's hard to find it exciting considering earlier that day I'd seen Jack Bauer literally rip a terrorist's throat open with his teeth. Voyager handles action as well as they handle technical terms.

Well, Voyager picks up Tom's shuttle, so red alert is declared, as indicated by all the lights going out to make sure nobody can actually do anything (I'm sorry, but this never stops being stupid to me). Because of a clever manipulation on Jonas' part, he's emptied engineering of everyone except himself and, unfortunately for him, Neelix, who was brazenly planting the bait. He sets up a forcefield that keeps them contained, all the while helping Seska's ambush plans along by disabling weapons. Jonas finally backhands Neelix away, which, as we've established, automatically wins best moment, especially in a Neelix-centric episode. This eventually leads to the dumbest concept for an episode, a fistfight involving Neelix. Oh sure, maybe with him getting beaten up by a righteous mob, but not in a life or death battle to save the ship. Well, since Jonas is a former guerilla fighter and Neelix is a cook with his own talk show, you shouldn't be surprised that Neelix wins, ducking at a critical moment so that Jonas tumbles over the edge into a plasma stream, vaporizing.

Vaporizing? This is freaky. In one week I've seen Sbarge get vaporized twice and murdered by Geth once.

Neelix, naturally, saves the day, because even though he can override any security he wants, Tuvok can't get into engineering. Whatever, the episode's over, that's all that matters, and Voyager's first non-holodeck story arc draws to a lackluster end.

Rating: 4

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