OVEG: Lifesigns

Description: Well, the episode opens up, and we see the continuing subplot of Tom versus Chakotay. Tom comes in, claiming he was late and has bedhead because Ens. Wildman just went into labor. You know, I've heard some whoppers before but this is probably number two on the list. The first was my sophomore roommate, who claimed he was late because he was abducted by aliens who experimented on him by moving his bellybutton. But delivering a baby is definitely second, since it's so very, very easy to check. The only way it could've been worse is if he claimed to have rescued a choking victim who was already on the bridge (probably Chakotay himself).

There's little time for that, however, as they pick up a distress call from a Vidiian ship. The Vidiians have been hostile during every encounter, and murdered a member of the crew, so naturally Janeway decides to beam the Vidiian on board to sickbay. There's no ships detected, therefore there's no way this can be a trap. Right, because nobody here has fooled you before. Idiots. Well, she gets beamed down to sickbay and the Doctor gets to work on treating her. It seems that she has an implant on the side of her head, which we know because it has little blinking lights on it - you know, just like pacemakers have. Apparently it's serving as a backup to her memory, but the nerves it's connected to are dead, so the Doctor does the only thing you can do when this happens and it's a Star Trek episode: suck the personality out and create an artificial body. Maybe he got the idea from Dr. Quinn in our last episode. Anyway, he creates a holographic body for the Vidiian and puts her memories in it, so now he's got a new friend. Aw.

Well, there's six plus minutes done before we're back from the credits.

And we get the most troubling of all: written by Kenneth Biller, the man who gave us Twisted and Initiations. You may want to turn back now, readers, this may not be pretty.

So, the Vidiian lady wakes up in her holographic body and the Doctor fills her in on the procedure. Picardo is fine, of course, but his lines, well, are just like Biller's other treatments of him. He's far more arrogant and obtuse than he usually is - for instance, he doesn't understand that the Vidiian (Dinara) might cry with joy rather than sorrow, yet had an insight into the humanoid psyche just a few episodes ago in Meld. And because it's a Biller script, it must beat you about the head and shoulders with everything.

Anyway, turns out Dinara's a hemotologist, heading back from treating an outbreak of the phage on one of their colonies. It seems, despite the way it seemed in previous episodes, some Vidiian's don't have the phage... which makes you wonder how these people can be so medically advanced and never heard of a little thing called "quarantine." I mean, if you're to the point where you're ambushing innocent people and murdering them for their organs, maybe it's time to stop and rethink your entire approach. Like so many Voyager things, the more we learn, the dumber the entire premise seems. Anyway, since she's a doctor, our Doctor figures she can help with her own treatment. She can't stay a hologram forever because her synaptic patterns will degrade over time if they don't get out of the pattern buffer (it's always the damn pattern buffers!).

The Doctor needs to work out a treatment, so naturally he turns to someone who'd just love to help Vidiians: Torres. In a rare moment of continuity (of course, Biller also scripted Faces, which usually explains when there actually is continuity) he refers to the experiments she'd undergone which show that Klingons have resistance to the phage. Of course, she's only half Klingon, but that's obviously good enough to at least try his plan, namely, drill into her skull and scoop out some of her brain. Shockingly, Torres is opposed to this procedure, especially to benefit a Vidiian. However, Dinara steps in, and says that she only wants Torres to help if she wants to, that she disapproves of what their people do (sure is convenient that she's a doctor whose specialty wouldn't involve harvesting organs from innocent people, right?) and wouldn't force her. Of course, this instantly wins Torres over and she agrees to give up a piece of her brain... it's not as if she's using it or anything.

So, with the little piece of Torres' brain, they begin performing brain surgery on Delana's body while Delana assists (Janeway's apparently busy). That being done, the Doctor takes her to the French pool hall, where they begin a philosophical discussion on the interest of public health versus the need to be themselves. Naturally, what better way to continue this ethical consideration than having Neelix introduce himself. He introduces himself as chief morale officer as he welcomes her to Voyager. "Chief?" Typical Neelix strutting about; I'm sure he was chief salvage operator on his pitiful little ship too. Or, and I fear it's the truth, is he really chief, that there are other's who answer to him? God, that's depressing to even think about - I'd imagine there's nothing worse for morale than to be told you're one of Neelix's subordinates. "Please, just throw me in the brig!"

Now a holographic alien comes up and asks if she wants to dance, but the Doctor shoos him off. Incidentally, this alien has a nice thick accent, because naturally if you're an alien living in France you'd speak English with a French accent, right? It's not as if they have a universal translator or anything. Anyway, it turns out that the Doctor can't dance, which you know is going to be a plot point later, right? We've all been watching this show long enough to know that. Oh, and she gives him a name, Shmalus (sounds Yiddish). You can rest assured now that there's going to be something romantic there... anyone whom the Doctor tells to call him a name loves and then leaves him.

Now we're back to the Tom Paris subplot. Chakotay finds Paris down in the messhall and asks him what's bothering him, since he's been a bit of a f*ck-up lately. Turns out Paris' problem is Chakotay, the way he won't let him do his job the way he thinks is right. As Tom gets up and rants, we see Carth Onasi watching, so you know now that those two subplots are heading right towards each other. Carth passes this on to the Kazon, who respond by ordering him to sabotage the warp coils on Voyager. Carth refuses, saying he won't do anything until he can talk to Seska. He's been saying that line every episode he's been in, but it hasn't happened because there's not enough money in the budget, I mean, because she's very busy. Well, this time there's no backing down, so we'll see what happens.

Back in Sickbay, Doc is running a self-diagnostic. Seems his hands shake a little around Dinara, but Kes says it's a sign that he's attracted to her. Uh-huh, which makes perfect sense because he's a projection of light without opposing muscles or a nervous system that would cause that. This is hand-waved away as his program "adapting," because adapting can do anything! And, of course, what better way to adapt than to be less able to do your job. Kes tells him that if he wants to pursue this relationship, the first step is to tell her how he feels. Because she's only two years old, she doesn't think, so the Doctor just casually drops it into conversation while he's performing brain surgery - nice coaching. Dinara is shocked, and thus declines the offer, leading the Doctor to find Tom Paris in the French pool hall again. Lord knows this is just what Paris needs right now. Doc then kindly asks Paris how to deal with the symptoms of being rejected, since he assumes Paris must be an expert on the subject. Paris is bothered, but then, he has a holographic girlfriend, so he doesn't have much room to debate.

Dinara, meanwhile, is talking to Kes, and it's revealed that she really does care about Doc that way, but she was just caught off guard and said no. Paris figures out that Doc just scared her off, which sets up for the Romantic Scene. It involves Doc in a '57 Chevy convertible on a Mars hill, watching someone go mining for Prothean technology, I guess. When Dinara shows up, the Doctor starts giving her presents; admittedly, it's amusing that he practically shoves them at her so that she has no time to appreciate each individual gift before the next comes. They put a little romantic music on, look at the stars, and soon kissing begins. Aw.

But, of course, nothing works out for Paris, so when he shows up late, he finds someone else is piloting instead of him. He's been relieved until Chakotay thinks he's got his act together. Paris eventually shoves Chakotay to the floor and gets hauled off to the brig. Carth Onasi isn't doing much better, although he's finally gotten through to Seska. However, things don't look well. She wants him to do the sabotage and threatens him if he won't help. She then sets up a rendezvous, but that's for another episode, I guess.

And we're back. Doc's all ready to do the transfer, but it turns out her brain is rejecting the transfer. The Doctor goes a little buggy trying to figure out what's happening, but surprise surprise, Dinara interfered. Shockingly she doesn't want to go back to looking like something you find in the dumpster behind the produce market. She tells the story of being a nine-year old being told her friends are afraid of her, and how devastating that is. I imagine so, but I'd imagine it'd be much worse to have to go through the excruciating joint pain that is one of the initial symptoms, pain so great that some die from that itself. But Biller might not have been aware of that bit; after all, he only wrote those lines, why should he have known?

Anyway, the whole thing is the obvious: the Doctor's feelings won't diminish if she goes back, and that because of her he's become much more. Still, the chemistry of the actors is strong enough that the scene proves effective. As expected, Dinara goes through with the treatment, and Doc and Cabbage Patch Head dance in the French pool hall while Tom is locked in the brig.

Rating: 5

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