OVEG: Resolutions

Description: We open with what at first glance appears to be two coffins in the middle of a lush green field, like some kind of art film. Inside is Janeway and Chakotay, and for a moment we're given the flutter of hope, that perhaps someone finally put an end to Janeway's long killing spree the only way it could possibly be stopped. However, there's a beeping noise, and the two stir and emerge into daylight, to enact their vengeance upon the living.

In all seriousness, though, this is a pretty effective teaser. It drops us into the story at a critical point, provides all the necessary information in natural dialogue, and prepares for the big reveal. Janeway and Chakotay are both infected with some kind of virus that prevents them from leaving this planet without getting sick and dying, and the Doctor hasn't found any possibility for a cure. The only thing he can suggest is contacting the Vidiians, whose advanced medical knowledge may be of help. Janeway and Chakotay decide it's not worth the risk, so Tuvok is put in command, because they're going to get left behind. All this in under two and a half minutes, an acceptable length for a teaser. Compare that to Deadlock, which had a teaser that plodded along and ran so long it contained the entire first act, and you'll see that whatever else you might say about Jeri Taylor, she knows the purpose of a teaser (Alliances may have been lame, but it too had a good teaser, minus the guy spraying smoke from behind Tuvok the whole time).

We come back, however, and it's back to Voyager as usual. First, the magic meeting room, set into grief lighting mode (low) rather than the standard (bright) and emergency (off, so we can't see how much everyone else is sweating). Everyone there is upset at the idea of leaving Janeway and Chakotay behind, but there's nothing that can be done, so Tuvok tells them to just deal with it and get the janitor to change some bulbs in here. They all file out, except for Harry, who's left sitting in the dark to brood, much like he spends most of his life. Perhaps you can play a little of your clarinet while you're brooding, I think you've done it every episode since you were last killed.

So Tuvok beams down everything including the kitchen sink for Janeway and Chakotay, including tons of stuff for Janeway to research their condition and try to find a cure. Sure, the most advanced medical program created working day and night for a month couldn't find any leads, but that doesn't mean Janeway can't succeed working with a few boxes of equipment out of a yert. Meanwhile Chakotay pulls out the first bits of the panel for their shelter, commenting on how everything is a nasty beige, but it suits Janeway just fine. I don't really find that surprising, drab and neutral colors describe her to a tee. Anyway, even though their conditions are probably better than many people today have (and that's not even counting the replicator) Janeway laments that she doesn't have a bath tub. Aw, life is so hard! She'll probably be so upset she'll hardly be able to eat her Welsh rabbit and quails eggs before sleeping on her silk sheets.

Meanwhile back on Voyager, Ens. No-Name is getting chewed out by Torres for the lousy job she did on a report. Everything is dark in engineering even though they're not at red alert... what is their deal with this episode? It's bad enough they turn the lights off during red alert, there's no excuse for that, but at least it's consistent. It may be stupid, but it's a stupid we've accepted. Now things are dark just to make them dark. They're sad, we get it, now turn the f*cking lights on. Harry shows up and mopes at Torres for a while, but she says there's nothing they can do, they just have to move on. Yes, please do, and fix the fuse box.

Back on the planet, Janeway and Chakotay have settled into their new roles and, wow, this is so Dr. Quinn it's scary (the show Dr. Quinn, not the Dr. Quinn with the hydraulic penis). Janeway is in a gray dress and has put her hair in a braided ponytail, while Chakotay is decked out in what looks like jeans, but with a vest over a long-sleeved semi-formal shirt. These are perfect clothes for someone who is out trying to collect specimens in the wilderness and the other to do construction. By the way, has anyone on this show ever been in the woods? The planet looks like they had the maid come through and tidy it up. Anyway, after Janeway and Chakotay frollick through the woods for a while, Voyager contacts to let them know they'll be leaving communication range, so she gives the speech and they say goodbye.

We come back from commercial, then, to a sight that I was ill-prepared for: Janeway in the bath. Even now, typing is difficult as I shudder repeatedly, cursing myself. My recall ability -except for names- is rather good, and it's been an asset to me, but when it comes to Voyager it's a liability, as I cannot strike these disturbing images from my mind's eye. Even now, with the scene paused and hidden while I type these words, I know what's happening, I know what will happen. This isn't short, either, it's a long, slow push-in onto her, ending with a leap forward by Janeway. I know this will come... could anyone fault me for not wanting to live through it again. Could any just deity demand that I push that play button?

I push it. Oh, and Sisyphus, if you're reading this: you are a pussy.

This scene, by the way, lasts forty seconds, with only a two-second cut away to Chakotay making something with colored chalk. I never thought I'd wish we'd spent more time watching Chakotay fart around than what we see. Anyway, Janeway sees someone in the woods. Goddamn, you've got to be pretty hard up to want to spy on Janeway in the bath tub. It's a monkey. Janeway attempts to lure it to her, but it must know that her real plan is to slice its brain up into thin wafers, because despite her gentle voice her real hope is to explore its biochemistry. She comments that it must have some kind of defense to the virus in order to survive.

Um, yeah, the same defense you do: the force on the planet.

And with this, it brings up the question of just what kind of virus can develop in which its environment hinders its reproductive ability (because that's what viruses are doing as they make you sick)? It's a mystery that will never be solved, like so many others. Still, I suppose it's better than the usual technobabble that's trotted out, the explanation that is no explanation. Anyway, her guinea pig having escaped, Janeway heads back inside and starts back at work. Chakotay, desperate to get her to finally stop all this and accept the situation, falls back on the only recourse he has: the wisdom of his people. "Even the eagle must know when to sleep," he says. Yeah, that's really insightful, thanks for that. Surprisingly this doesn't convince Janeway to give up, so she goes back to it while he returns to his chalk dust art.

Back on Voyager, Tuvok comments that even after six weeks the crew is still upset about leaving them behind. Voyager picks up a Vidiian convoy, and Tuvok orders them to change course to avoid it. Harry, however, is upset that they don't even bother hailing them. Tuvok points out that to do so would conflict with Janeway's orders, and is polite enough not to verbally point out that this would qualify as the dumbest thing Harry's ever done, including the many times he killed himself. When Tuvok finally puts his foot down, we see a less effective version of last week's scene from Tuvix, with Harry trying to convince the bridge officers that he's right, so Tuvok finally just tells him to get his ass off the bridge. It takes prompting from Tom before he finally listens. That Harry: a jellyfish with Janeway, but a renagade against the black guy.

Down in the mess hall, Harry is approached by Hogan and Ens. No-Name, who want to follow through on Harry's idea. I'm assuming Hogan wants Chakotay back, since I can't imagine he'd want the return of the person who said she'd blow up the ship when questioned on her policies. They say that there are a lot more who agree with Harry, so the three of them sneak over to talk with Torres. Naturally, Neelix has to butt in uninvited, since all conversations in the mess hall belong to him. Harry has him sit in because we've already established that he'd just find another way to butt in where he's not wanted, since Neelix's feeling are more important than the good of the ship.

Ah, and if we haven't had enough with Janeway in the bath, we have Tuvok in his pajamas. At least, I'm assuming they're his pajamas, since he's not standing between a camel and baby Jesus. Harry apologizes for his behavior and then offers a plan. This is a very serious plan, so much so that they've even decided to resort to continuity to formulate it. Harry says that with Torres' resistant DNA and the help they gave to that Vidiian doctor, they've got some points with the Vidiians. Tuvok counters this with his own continuity: that Voyager blew up a Vidiian ship, killing over three hundred of them. Harry starts to get a bit more hostile, pointing out that everyone else thinks they should try this, but Tuvok tells them to stuff their opinions. Finally, when Harry is really getting hostile, Tuvok drops the hammer like he never does with Janeway: shut up, don't question me, or you'll get stripped of your position, you mouthy little Asian man. Hary reluctantly and hostily agrees. I don't know why he won't stand up to anyone but Tuvok.

Back on the planet, we get more of Chakotay doing construction, this time of a headboard. Incidentally, his belt (which has been there the whole episode really) especially stands out here. I don't know, maybe this planet needs a Batman. Anyway, this scene leads to the disagreement between Chakotay and Janeway: she's unhappy that he's working to make things more homey. Anyone surprised? Incidentally, I have tried really hard not to make any references to trashy paperback romance novels, but I just can't go any further. Here Janeway stands in her lovely spring dress, here is her male companion with his frilly open chested shirt manly shaping wood for her comfort, the two discussing their future here in the wilderness as he hopes to bring her to accept and build a home here. All she needs to do now is mend his wounded soul and you can slap a price tag on it and stick it on the wire rack.

This is the problem with the episode: this episode is once again about Janeway the Mary Sue. First we have this Harlequin thing going on down on the planet as she strives to find a cure while tempted by the chiseled native. Up on the ship, it's all about how much everyone misses them, even after months. I don't remember everyone being this upset for this long when Paris left. I don't remember anyone being this choked up over the many people who've died out here for this long. Just like in Alliances when Torres suddenly snaps at anyone who questions the captain while she herself had done so just the episode before, Jeri Taylor presumes an importance about Janeway that just doesn't fit with what we've actually seen. Remember that this is a person who just last week killed a member of the crew! Also, recall The Best Of Both Worlds, in which Picard was taken from them, and Riker gives the order to destroy the ship anyway - except for the guest star, none of the crew tries anything to stand in Riker's way, and this from a crew that new Picard for far longer. This story is just way too transparent in its "Everybody Love Janeway" plot.

So, Janeway tromps into the woods and gets some more bugs, and has some more interaction with the monkey. This is starting to get annoying - the damn thing won't shut up, it keep popping up, and all it's doing is padding out the episode. Nothing is going to come from its presence, it's almost as if they had the monkey for the day and figured they'd get their money's worth. Also, there's a magic plot storm that blows in, because its sole purpose is to destroy all of Janeway's research equipment, because Janeway Would Never Give Up. It's an interesting storm, since apparently it can cause earthquakes (we have the shaky camera and the table being shaken so much stuff is falling off and breaking ). I particularly like the fact that this storm just beats the crap out of the area, so that there's debris everywhere, yet until now the area was pristine. Who was coming along and cleaning up before these two showed up?

Back on Voyager, Kes comes in to see Tuvok, and after a couple minutes Tuvok decides he'll try. Oh, of course, that's why Harry and Tuvok were fighting, with Janeway gone they needed some other white girl to straighten them out. I'm not sure that was Jeri Taylor's point, but it sure seems odd that the black guy and the Asian guy once again only capitulate to the white girl. However, figure in what's happening with the American Indian and the other white girl, I think I'd have enough to convince a jury. So they make contact with the Vidiian convoy and get put through to Denara (holy crap, continuity!), who has a cure for the disease sitting around. They make plans to rendezvous, but Tuvok orders battle drills, just in case this is a trap (No! That's not possible!!!).

Back on the planet, they're still cleaning up debris. Chakotay comments on maybe building a log cabin, as his father felt it important that they knew how. I don't know why, since his people came from the rain forest and their settlements were just a few bent poles with no covering, but it sounds like something the Indians would do, so it's in here. There's yet another scene with the monkey to help pad this out before we get to the scene you knew was coming. Janeway's so sore from moving stuff, so Chakotay gives her a neck and shoulder massage dripping with sexuality. "I had a lot of practice with this," that swinger Chakotay says. "My mother had sore necks all the time." Ah... well, look at the time, it's not even eight o'clock and I already know too much about you.

We cut back to Voyager and the Vidiians... God, I never thought I'd be grateful to see the twisted faces of the Vidiians, but anything that gets away from Mary Sue and Oedipus Rex is a welcome sight. It's less than good news for Voyager, however, when it turns out that the impossible happens and it's a trap.

Oh God, no! We're back to Janeway and Chakotay! Oh, and he wants to tell an ancient story! This episode is like getting repeatedly headbutted in the groin by a midget in a kaiser helmet. The story, incidentally, is so obviously made up that Janeway calls him on it. As you can imagine, the gist of it is how totally effing awesome Janeway is, just like the rest of the episode.

Back to Voyager and the fight. For some reason, Harry's handling weaponry rather than the tactical officer, because the budget on another actor was spent on the monkey. Down in sickbay, the Doctor gets a message from Denara, who says that she didn't know this was a trap, that she has the cure if they could just beam it back over. That's a problem, because we can't beam with the shields up in this particular episode. To resolve this requires a complicated set of explosions and beaming and all that. The Doctor has to do the beaming himself, because they'll be busy with the Vidiians. And what's the transporter officer doing all this time? Who knows? Anyway, it all works and they've got the cure and escape.

The episode finally, finally resolves with a bit more of the Janeway-Chakotay crap. The gist is that they've now adjusted, and the cure now takes them away from this life. Whatever. Oh, and one more scene with the monkey, a wholey appropriate symbol for this episode: a small shrieking little beast that flings poop.

Rating: 2

Star Trek, and all related characters are property and trademark of Paramount Pictures.
The views expressed herein are those of the author and do not reflect the views of anyone
connected with Star Trek: Voyager, or the staff and management of Paramount Pictures.
All original material copyrighted.