OVEG: Basics, Part I

Description: This episode opens with a bit of housecleaning. You see, back in Meld, we had Suder, the creepy psycho killer, get confined to quarters just for murdering a man who looked at him wrong. Well, normally we need to just kill the loose end to ensure we don't have any nasty episode-to-episode continuity, but because that would have required Tuvok to be a killer, he was given a pass and just kind of shoved into the background. Now with all the silliness that's been happening it's becoming more and more of a problem that while Voyager is dealing with the anomaly of the week, there's a serial killer merrily biding his time (for instance, what was he up to when the Vidiians were overrunning the ship in Deadlock?).

So, Basics finally just deals with the poor psychotic dope. In this story, we learn that Suder has taken up Tuvok's botanical hobby, celebrating a new orchid he has made and naming it after his pointy-eared mentor. However, he laments that making new flowers isn't the most fulfilling job and wants to be able to do more. Aw, too bad, you almost feel sorry for the guy... what lousy luck that he had to go and bash a man's skull in for no reason. Anyway, he wants to make some orchids to help out the airponics bay, to make it more productive, so Tuvok says he'll discuss it with the captain.

Meanwhile, Voyager has stumbled across a message buoy from Seska. Turns out she had the baby, and Cullah figured out it was Kazon. Yeah, I didn't think you were going to fool Cullah with that one, and keep in mind Cullah's not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer (right now he's getting frustrated that he hasn't heard back from that bank manager in Nigeria). Cullah shows up and she's cut off, leaving Chakotay pretty cheesed off. He and Janeway discuss things - if he wants to go look for Seska and the child, Voyager will go with him, but they both realize it's a trap. After all, it's the closest we've actually come to a rational reason for Seska's silly idea of impregnating herself with Chakotay's DNA.

So Chakotay decides to break out the magic psychadelic akoonah matata, and he contacts his father, Papa Chakotay, though without his hat. Basics is written by Michael Piller, who gave us Tattoo, where we last saw Papa Chakotay and got an insight into just how horribly racist Voyager can get. Still, so far we seem to be downplaying that - Papa Chakotay listens about the child that was born without Chakotay's consent, conceived because his DNA was stolen. His comment is that there were times when their people were raped and gave birth to children, and those children were accepted, that whatever the crimes of the father, the children were innocent. Chakotay accepts this and decides Voyager will go after the baby. So who do we turn to in this hour of need? Neelix. What, the, hell?

Okay, seems he's got some Talaxian friends on a mining colony nearby that can help. Yeah, the Talaxians have really impressed me so far - the closest thing we have ever seen to a Talaxian victory was when Neelix took the maje hostage back in Caretaker, and that was mostly thanks to Voyager transporting them away. Other plans in the same vein as bringing in mining ships from a race of losers include Harry's plan to create false sensor images showing extra ships, and the Doctor's plan to create holographic ships to try to fool the Kazon. Chakotay had mentioned that back in Prototype that Torres had done a similar trick to fool the Cardassians, so it's no surprise that the one who speaks up to question whether this plan could work is Torres. Ah Voyager... if only you could summon the strength to actually try not to suck.

So with their plan of false sensors, holographic ships, and the French army, Voyager goes chasing after Cullah at the breakneck speed of warp 2. Eventually they find a shuttle with a lone Kazon on board, and it turns out to be Teirna, one of Seska's assistants. He's had his ass kicked pretty bad, and so has the shuttle, and he says that Seska was killed. He would have died too, if he hadn't bribed someone into letting him get on a shuttle instead. He says the child was brought to a planet named Gema 2 to be raised as a slave, so Voyager heads that way. The Doctor starts treating Teirna, who among his other injuries also has an odd thing with his blood that the Doctor can't figure out. Chakotay, by the way, is extremely suspicious of Teirna, and wants the Doctor to try to discover if he's lying, but because they don't have much medical data on the Kazon there's nothing to work with. So Chakotay is just left to stew, even while Torres and Harry do their job: spew technobabble at him about the shuttle. Still, Chakotay is very suspicious, no doubt because the creators of Voyager have really made him look like an ass at every turn. Even he knows someone's messing with his head.

Neelix, by the way, comments on the goofy route they're taking, wondering why they don't go the most direct way. Teirna says the direct route is heavily patrolled and anyone who knows this part of space would realize that, to which Neelix says he was just testing him. Yeah, sure... you have a real reputation for cunning. Just to pick at random, how about that planet super-rich in dilithium that, oh, had no dilithium at all and wound up leading them into a Vidiian ambush? Yeah, you're a regular Sacajawea, aren't you?

Well, even though they're evading Cullah and his band of misfits, there are still independent Kazon factions that could be a danger, so Voyager gets attacked a few times. Each time the raiders shoot at and damage the secondary command processors; clearly suspicious behavior, so rather than trying to identify why they would bother doing so, Janeway heads down with Tuvok to talk to Suder about his f*cking flowers. "These orchids could be the key to our victory over the Kazon!!!"

Well, Suder starts laying out his idea of what he wants to do, basically turning his quarters into an airponics lab. He's already got the okay from Kes and has a list of safe equipment and chemicals. Janeway says she'd like to think it over, causing Suder to get very worked up. Knowing that she's dealing with an unbalanced psychotic with severe rage issues and crushed a skull over the crime of looking at him the wrong way, Janeway gives him the cold shoulder and leaves. After all, what's the worst that can happen, that he'll get out? He'll just kill a couple goldshirts and then she can hunt him down for sport - sounds like a fun weekend. Maybe she'll let Chakotay bring his kid along and make it a family kind of thing.

Speaking of Chakotay, he's still suspicious of Teirna, and goes down and confronts him in Sickbay. He really is tired of everybody tricking him all the time - after all, even Janeway, Tuvok, and Paris were conspiring to trick him with the whole Michael Jonas thing, so you kind of understand where he's coming from. There's also still no explanation for the goofy blood problem Teirna has, and the Doctor's probing doesn't get much out of him, who is dismissive of the whole thing, saying they're going to get their butts kicked as soon as they reach Gema. This just really drives Chakotay over the edge, so much so that the Doctor has to ask him not to go beating the shit out of patients in his sickbay.

Well, as the raiders keep their shit up, eventually the secondary command processors get blasted off line. Chakotay has had enough and tells them to turn around and put Teirna in confinement until this is all straightened out. Janeway, no doubt surprised at this clear attempt at actual initiative from Chakotay, agrees. Perhaps she will allow him to live after all. And speaking of crazed homicidal maniacs, we see Neelix attempting to feed Suder, who is surprisingly not doing well in the wake of his discussion with Captain Diplomacy. Yeah, you can just see the wheels turning, the subtle plans... it always ends with someone finding a lamp made of human skin.

Back on the bridge, they pick up eight Kazon warship flying in a classic Cardassian formation... which ought to tell you right now that Seska's still alive, but apparently all the skepticism has been channelled into Chakotay this episode. Harry turns on his sensor trickery, and four of the Kazon ships go racing off to fight the non-existent Talaxians. They also wait until they're right in the middle of things with the Kazon to create the holoships, so that it will do little more than provide a moment's confusion. This works particularly well when the system accidentally puts the Doctor out in space to go flailing about.

While the fight's going on, Teirna takes off his toenail and pulls out a little needle or something. He sticks it in himself and then explodes... not like a big wet meatsack or a pinata, but like he was a big bomb. He manages to take out a massive part of the ship and cause enough damage that Voyager's systems are failing. That's quite a bomb... and all because of a funky blood condition, huh? Guess this explains spontaneous combustion. The explosion, by the way, releases Suder, who goes hiding at this opportunity. Well, that's perfect: power's failing, systems aren't working, your enemy's ready to board, and a deranged killer is running free... and if they'd just taken Seska back when they had Cullah hostage, none of this would have happened. It's nice to see people pay occassionally for being so damn stupid.

Well, things look bad, so Tom offers to get himself the hell out of there. Janeway says he can get in a shuttle and try to bring the Talaxians. Yeah, things are pretty bad when they're your only hope. He doesn't get far, however, as the Kazon start blasting him, and it looks like the shuttle blows up. I say looks like because, hey, it's Trek, we all know Tom is not dying here. The Kazon have basically shut Voyager down and boarded, so with Tom apparently dead, Janeway prepares for the almighty smackdown of Janeway Pie. However, turns out that all that damage to the secondary processors has stopped the self-destruct ability, so Janeway Pie fails. The Kazon soon have Voyager in their big, smelly hands, and Cullah and Seska (yeah, still alive, what a shock) gloat a bit. Cullah also backhands Janeway, although his rampant sexism sucks any possible enjoyment out of it compared to the alluminum stick in the face scene. Besides, there's just as many reasons to head down to the mess hall and start hitting Neelix with one of his own sacks of flour, and they don't bother with that here. Stupid Voyager, you can't even let me enjoy annoying people getting beaten.

As the bridge crew is led off to a cargo bay, Seska asks the child if he's hungry, and then starts undoing her shirt. I- Just- With the- What are you doing? You're a reptile... why do you think that you can breastfeed? You're doing this to me on purpose, aren't you.

So Cullah takes Voyager to the Hannon system while the crew are rounded up by the Kazon. The Doctor, seeing what the situation is, has himself turned off for twelve hours to apparently evade detection. The Kazon account for all but two people, and figure they were both on the shuttle. At Seska's prompting, Cullah finally sends someone off the make sure the shuttle was destroyed, though with the obvious annoyance of a villain who bases everything on James Bond movies. This is who you've give the power of Voyager, huh Seska? A lumpy headed orange Dr. Evil?

So Voyager is landed and the crew sent out onto the surface. The planet looks pretty nasty, with volcanoes and scrubland as far as the eye can see. Cullah shoves them off with nothing but the clothes on their back, telling them that for not sharing their technology they'll have to survive without it. Yeah, your dark methods are brilliant in their subtlety, I mean, you're f*cking Moriarty.

So even as Cullah is finishing his evil laugh, Janeway is telling everyone the importance of finding food and shelter. She makes it clear she believes they will be rescued, and that the goal of the moment is simple survival until then. She then breaks up the crew into four teams tasked with finding things to survive with: water, food, shelter, tools, etc. Now, based on what you know, who would you guess would be the team leaders? Janeway (the captain), Chakotay (first officer and experienced gurella leader), Torres (engineering lead and experienced gurilla fighter), and Tuvok (security lead), right? Well, not if you're Janeway. No, in that case, you take yourself and Tuvok of course, and for the third, Harry Kim. Yes, Harry... a man who dies for a living. And the fourth? No... no you know who I'm going to say, but you're wondering how it could happen. How could anyone actually be stupid enough to seriously suggest it? Well remember, we are in this situation precisely because of that stupidity, so yes, that's right, the fourth team leader is... Neelix. Who wants to bet Neelix is going to get somebody killed? Anyone?

Oh, and there's some kind of monster watching them. Yeah, this is not going to end well...

Rating: 5

Brahma of the Week: Suder, who created life in the form of a new species of orchid

Janeway Pie: Janeway attempts to blow up Voyager to stop it from being taken by the Kazon. Thwarted by damage to secondary processors.

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