OVEG: Q2

Description: Wow, look at us, Season 7... and it seems like just last month I was doing Season 3 episodes. It's almost as if I skipped over four seasons just to get the last Q episode reviewed. If so, you'd be right - since (as those of you who check out the video reviews know) I've been covering all of Q's episodes, it seemed only appropriate that the written reviews for his episode actually precede the video one. So, if your main source of Voyager info are the reviews for this site, it may be a little disconcerting, but I'll try to keep you up to date as we go along.

That's going to be very important as the episode opens with Icheb giving Janeway a speech about Captain Kirk. You might think it would be him trying to explain to her how to do a better job, but you see, Icheb is actually a former Borg drone in his teens who decided he wants to join Starfleet, and so is going through the Academy courses here on Voyager until they get home, which at their rate will mean he'll probably have fifteen doctorates... and he'll probably still wind up in a gold shirt and dying in the first act.

Anyway, after he leaves, accompanied by the generic "something kinda happy happened" music plays, we get introduced to Q's son from The Q And The Grey, who like his old man seems to have decided the most dignified position for any being with limitless powers is to perch upon furniture like an ape or gargoyle. This fellow is named Q like all the Q are, because what they have in power they obviously lack in imagination, so to differentiate him from his father I will refer to as Harry Potter for two important reasons: he has magical powers, and he annoys me. Well, I suppose Doug Henning would work too, but I'll stick with Harry Potter.

So, Q appears and formally introduces little Harry Potter, and says that he's going to be vacationing on Voyager for a little while. "He's as quiet as a Zizznian church-mouse," Q explains in typical fashion: stick a nonsensical word in front of a contemporary creature, and you get to sound science fiction-y without in any way having to use your imagination. Huzzah! Q vanishes, leaving Harry Potter behind, but when Janeway tries to lay some ground rules on his behavior, he quickly vanishes too. They try scanning, but fat lot of good that does because even though they don't detect Harry Potter, he's still around watching them all. "Twenty minutes observing humanity, I'm already bored." What a coincidence; five minutes into this episode, I am too. "I guess I'm just going to have to amuse myself." You and me both, kid.

So with the situation established we now begin the mandatory "out of control adolescent superbeing" that must be done, and starting with the most unimaginative thing possible, Harry Potter turns Engineering into a night club. Knowing that they can't force him to stop, they adopt the Mr. Mxyzptlk strategy of ignoring him until he just goes away out of boredom. So the antics continue: Harry Potter appears in Cargo Bay 2 and makes Seven of Nine's uniform disappear. Of course, being so risque, we get a good shot of back, not even television side-boob. I'm sure this probably seemed like genius in the writing room, given their obvious approach that the average fan was an adolescent virgin, but in execution, well, it's less erotic than some of the Voyager publicity photos they've done. And in 2001 (when this was aired), well, why settle for back when you could download nude Trek pictures from dozens of sites across the Internet. Not that I ever did... My view was rather spoiled when someone sent me a few dozen naked Janeway pictures in my email. Nothing washing my eyes with amonia couldn't cure.

The next step is that the computer is ornery and won't make Janeway coffee. Oo, now that is getting into dangerous territory. Sure, threaten the warp core and strip her crew of their dignity if you must, but anyone standing between Janeway and a cup of Folgers is toying with forces that would make Lovecraft whimper. Neelix takes the opportunity to convince Janeway that he can fix this by befriending Harry Potter. Let's analyze that a moment: the most annoying personality on Voyager, whom Q last referred to as "bar rodent" (to show the amount of respect he has for him), thinks he should direct that personality at an impatient adolescent with absolute power. Naturally, this does not end well (and while it isn't Neelix's most annoying moment, it is for obvious reasons his most stupid moment for the episode). Things play out as follows: Harry Potter is discovered amusing himself by causing two peaceful species to go to war. Neelix, having an IQ that is slightly less than his own shirt, thinks he can convince the boy to call it off with a tempting game of katiskat, but alas, he's much happier watching ships blow each other up. A little more of that, and we soon see Neelix without a mouth. Yes, and I'm sure there's got to be a good two, three people out there who saw this scene and weren't cheering.

Things finally reach their conclusion with Harry Potter causing three Borg cubes to appear and attack Voyager. They quickly lower the shields and come aboard, one of which decides that -rather than just assimilating Chakotay- it's just going to stand there and show off the eggbeater on the end of its arm. When it finally comes time for the assimilation, Q returns and closes out the first act. You can read what you want into Q's reprimand: "Don't provoke the Borg!" but at this point, speculating on the might and meaning of the Q is pointless to me. Voyager has taken them and stripped everything remotely unique and interesting about them and left us with repackaged holodeck episodes and one dimensional lesson episodes. Like the Borg themselves, the Q are just a shadow of what they once were, distilled down to only the most superficial traits.

In private, Q gradually reveals what's really been going on: Harry Potter's been causing no end of trouble, and he was hoping being around the Voyager crew would straighten him out. Q's distraught, as he's the first parent in the entire continuum, and thus has no basis for experience. So of course, the first person he'd seek out to advise on dealing with an undisciplined teenage son is a late middle aged spinster accustomed to everyone obeying her every order without question. Janeway nevertheless explains to Q that he needs to set a good example for his son, spend time with him, so the two disappear for a while. However, shortly afterwards, Q appears with Janeway in her bathtub to have the same conversation again. So, not only is this more of the same, but it forces me to once again see Janeway in a bathtub... and me without my amonia!

So after that ends we see Q has turned his son into an amoeba- oh, excuse me, an Oprelian amoeba, because it's even more science fiction-y. He turns him back and explains that actions have consequences: Unless Harry Potter straightens out in one week, he'll become an amoeba forever. Janeway, naturally, has no comment or reaction to this approach. I'm all for discipline, but one chance or being doomed forever isn't discipline, that's insanity! How can Janeway see the idea of punishing someone in the most cruel and inhumane manner possible for inconceivable amounts of time with no margin for error, no chance to... Wait, what am I saying, this was probably her idea.

So Q says Harry Potter's now human (and thus we have a repeat of the events of Deja Q, only without being in any way clever) and will be left on Voyager to learn how to be a model Q. Yes, much like the first thing parents trying to raise devout Irish Catholics do is send their children to live with the Dali Lama. Well, while Janeway didn't want to be stuck with this little pipsqueak, it is someone new for her to make miserable, so she decides he'll be put through some training, the same training I believe that was given to our Maquis friends to help them feel more like a team... by breaking their wills and turning them into mindless soldiers prepared to kill or be killed upon her every whim! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!

After another run-in with Seven (where Harry Potter is really introduced to Icheb), Chakotay puts him into a diplomatic holodeck program to try to resolve a dispute. He leaves, comes back, and it seems things went even better than it was supposed to. Well, what better way to respond to someone excelling than the ultimate punishment: having to be a lunch lady in Neelix's kitchen, listening endlessly to his gabbing and taunts that Harry Potter can't shut him up any more. Yeah, real forward thinking, Neelix, taunting someone who is completely helpless for a week before he has god-link powers again... and thanks for reminding us about how horribly petty you truly are. Icheb stops by and they discuss his essay he needs to write (he's never had to write anything before in his life), and Icheb helps him out with it. Janeway's displeased, because she can see that he got help, and obviously it was up to him to learn how to do it, and after she brings up that he cheated with the negotiation, well, she's decided to let him spend eternity as a microbe. Of course, it's just to get him to grovel to her a little.

Harry Potter: Please, Aunt Kathy, you're my only hope!
Janeway: Oh, I'm glad you finally realized that.

She managed to suppress the evil chuckle this time. Although after she reams him out and then sends him on with way with a sharp word, she then smirks to herself. It's not every day she gets to break the will of a demigod.

So Harry Potter turns over a new leaf, doing the Tuvok marathon that was instrumental in breaking the will of the Maquis, and speaking of which, turns out he's also got the job of scrubbing out plasma conduits with Chell, the Bolian who went through that same training. Oddly enough, the show has often mentioned the horrible indignities of the EMH Mark I's identical to the Doctor now being forced to do that very same task. So, the lesson is: once you get on Janeway's shit list, even if it's six years later you'll still be doing tasks so menial and awful that subjecting even a hologram to it is considered cruel. Welcome to the USS Inferno.

However, offering a break from the daily oppressive tedium that is life on Voyager, he and Icheb are allowed to go with Tom to practice flying the Delta Flyer through an asteroid field... with Tom nowhere near the controls. It's kind of like driver's ed, only with your instructor in the back seat and you learning by slaloming around tanks full of nitroglycerine. It's even more fun when an apparently unimportant alarm goes off, and we learn they can't mute it. There's a good design - we can re-route power from engines to shields to life support, but we can't say "turn off annoying sound that's distracting me while I'm dodging rocks."

Well Q returns early to check up on the boy's progress, so Janeway figures she'll let Q listen to his essay on the Continuum. Q is less than impressed, and I admit that I did smile a bit at this horribly honest exchange.

Janeway: He worked so hard on that paper, the least you could have done was tell him you were proud of him.
Q: But I'm not.

Damn, that's some f**king tough love there. Q laments what Janeway has done, that the boy isn't getting anywhere as far as being a Q goes, to which I must say: Why does that surprise you? Sending someone away from the Q to learn to be like the Q from those who aren't Q is the kind of excessive illogic I do not expect to find in any beings with a cosmic perspective and eternal experience to draw upon. Of course it is precisely what I expect from the more pathetic Voyager writers (and if you're keeping score at home, the story -not the script- is by Kenneth Biller, who was responsible for the idiocy of The Q And The Grey). Janeway heads off to check up on Harry Potter, whose sulking in his room, and she offers to let him stay on Voyager rather than become an ameoba, but he sees it as no improvement - hard to argue with that.

Well, given his choices of ameoba or staying on Voyager, Harry Potter chooses door number three: trick Icheb into helping him steal the Delta Flyer. Icheb's knows a lot of stuff, but has the cunning of a ladybug, and the way he says "We need the captain's permission to leave Voyager" makes him sound like the big blond idiot from Stephen King's The Stand. They get out because Harry Potter "once learned how to open a spatial flexure [tunnel through space] using nothing more than a deflector array." Given that he said ten minutes ago that a Q wouldn't normally demean themselves using machines, that's a bit of an odd thing to learn; rather like an Amish kid being taught by his parent's how to fly a DC-10. Anyway, with their little flexure spectacular they get to another system, but they soon have a run in with an alien ship that plans to board and take them into custody. They try a daring escape, but get shot and of course the one who's hurt is Icheb, so little Harry Potter has to bring him back to Voyager to get treatment.

What happens is an almost exact cut and paste of Deja Q's climax for this. Faithful friend nearly killed by hostile aliens, check. A Q having to make the ultimate sacrifice to protect him, check. Decision to perform a selfless act causes powers to be returned, check. The details are changed around a little; Q is the hostile alien in disguise and he must convince the judges of the continuum, who for some reason have all decided to dress like Earth's court of post-apocalyptic horrors. It's like discovering your judge is barechested, wearing a black mask, and holding an axe. And most disappointingly, there's no court midget anywhere.

Well, believe it or not, a court based upon post-apocalyptic horrors isn't exactly populated by humanitarians, so they sentence Harry Potter to remain human, and that he must now marry Ginny Weasley (for anyone not a dork, I made that last part up). However, Q goes off to appeal the verdict, and manages to get his son made a Q again, provided he watches over him for all of eternity. So, there's how the story arc finally ends: from the man who arrived warning humanity that it wasn't ready to face the challenges of the galaxy, now to Mr. Mom.

Before I go, however, I would be negligent if I didn't point out that finally, after two previous episodes of people asking the same question, Janeway asks Q to send them home. This time Q responds, "What sort of an example would I be setting for my son if I did all the work for you?" Yeah, I'm sure Lt. Carey finds this little joke real funny.

Rating: 5

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